10.25.
י11.30
100
THE EQUINOX
so long striven to obtain: yet he dared not.
He had
the loaded pistol to his head; he could not pull the
trigger.
This must have gone on for some time; his
agony of failure was awful; {or he knew that he was
failing; but though he cried a thousand times unto
Adonai with the Voice of Death, he could not—he
could not.
Again and again he stood at the gate, and
could not enter. And the Violet Flames of Ajna
triumphed over him.
Then Brenner said: “ Let us take a little rest!”—oh
irony l—and he came down from his throne, staggering
with fatigue.
.
.
.
If you can conceive of all his anger and despair!
His
pen, writing this, forms a letter badly, and through
clenched teeth he utters a fierce curse.
Oh Lord Adonai, look with favour upon him
1
After five minutes rest (to the body, that is), John St.
John was too exhausted on resuming his pose, which,
by the way, happens to be the Sign of the Grade
7°=4°, to strive consciously.
But his nature itself, forced through these days into
the one channel of Will towards Adonai, went on
struggling on its own account.
Later, the conscious
man took heart and strove, though not so fiercely as
before.
He passed through the Lightnings of Ajna,
whose two petals now spread out like wings above his
head, and the awful Corona of the Interior Sun with
its flashing fires appeared, and declared itself to be his
Self.
This he rejected; and the Formless Ocean of