258 The Diary of a Drug Fiend
“Tt leads you by the nose, and prevents your doing
your will. I remember once when I was making
experiments with it myself, how I would go out with
the intention of keeping away from the stuff all day,
and how, without my knowing it, I took advantage of
ali sorts of little incidents that cropped up to get back
to the studio some hours before I had intended. I
found myself out at once, of course, having learnt some
of the tricks of the mind. And I sat and watched myself
finding excuses for starting in. One gets into an
absolutely morbid state, in which everything that
happens has some bearing on the question, ‘Shall I or
shall I not take it?’; and one gets so pleased with
oneself for saying ‘no’ so often that one is tempted to
reward oneself by saying ‘yes’ just once. I can
promise you a very interesting time watching your
minds and spotting all the little dodges. The great
thing I want you to remember is that you have to learn
to take pleasure in what.is really the most pleasurable
thing. in the world—introspection. You have got to
find amusement in observing the details of the dis-
comfort of being without the drug. And I don’t want
you to overdo it, either. When the discomfort becomes
so acute that you can’t enjoy it properly, then is the
time to take a small dose and notice the effects. I
hope, by the way, you’ve been a good little girl and
kept that magical diary.”
Lou was astonishingly pleased to be able to say
“‘ Some of it’s done very fully,’”’ she said, “ but you
know there were days and weeks when I couldn’t
think, I couldn’t move. Life was a perpetual struggle
to get back to——” she hesitated for a word, and then
ended with a pained little laugh, “ oh, to anywhere.”
King Lamus nodded gravely. We had finished our
coffee.
“Now,” said he, “ to business,’
to the door.
I stayed behind for a moment to pay the bill. There
, and led the way