The True Will 335
what he means by “ Do what thou wilt.” I wonder
what my true will is? Is there really such a thing at
all? My mathematics tells me that there must be.
However many forces there may be at work, one can
always find their resultant.
But this was all terribly vague. The desire to take
heroin was clear-cut. It no longer produced any
particular effect to take it. Now that I was getting
down to two or three doses a day, at the most, it seemed
as though there were no particular object in taking
it, even as dulling the craving for it. I found it in-
creasingly difficult to fill column two.
King Lamus descended on me one morning, just
after I had taken a dose, and was raking my brain for
a reason for my action. I was alternately chewing the
end of my pencil and making meaningless marks on
the paper. I told him my difficulty.
“ Always glad to help,” he said airily; went to
a filing cabinet and produced a docket of typed
manuscripts. He put it in my hand. It was headed,
“Reasons for taking it.”
1. My cough is very bad this morning.
(Note: (a) Is cough really bad?
(b) If so, is the body coughing because
it is sick or because it wants to
persuade you to give it some heroin ?)
2. To buck me up.
3. I can’t sleep without it.
4. I can’t keep awake without it.
5. I must be at my best to do what I have to do. If
I can only bring that off, I need never take it again.
6. I must show I am master of it—free to say either
“yes” or “no.” And I must be perfectly sure by
saying “yes’’ at the moment. My refusal to take it
at the moment shows weakness. Therefore I take it.
7. In spite of the knowledge of the disadvantages of
the heroin life, I am really not sure whether it isn't
better than the other life. After all, I get extraordinary