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Page 1 of 11929 · PDF PAGE 44
was the prey of this fear ineffable. Of this fear it was evident that there must be a physical basis in the consti- tution of his brain and body. All the other phenomena had been shown to correspond exactly with a physical condition; it was the reflection in a consciousness from which human limitation had fallen away of things actu- ally taking place in the body. It was a false interpretation perhaps; but it was his interpretation; and it was that which caused suffering so beyond all that poets have ever dreamt of the infernal. I am ashamed to …
1929 · PDF PAGE 34
…communicate to you what I am consciously thinking; as soon as this con- scious ego is absorbed, you get the subconscious thought which I fearoh how I fear!is the greater and truer part of me. You have brought unguessed explana- tions from the world of sleep; you are the one woman in the worldperhaps there may never be anotherwho has such an opportunity to study the phenomena of death. He charged me earnestly to suppress my grief, to concentrate wholly on the thoughts that passed through his mind when he could no longer express them, and
1929 · PDF PAGE 43
…now that all was well, that death had ended all. Woe to humanity! The consciousness of Arthur was more alive than ever. It was the black fear of falling, a dumb ecstasy of changeless fear. There were no waves upon that sea of shame, no troubling of those accursed waters by any thought. There was no hope of any ground to that abyss, no thought that it might stop. So tireless was that fall that even acceleration was absent; it was constant and level as the fall of a star. There was not even a feel- ing of pace; infinitely fast as it must be, judg…
1929 · PDF PAGE 45
…the lapse of five hours by another paroxysm of the same kind, but fiercer and more continuous. Another silence followed, age upon age of fear and loneliness and shame. About midnight there appeared a grey ocean of bowels below the falling soul. This ocean seemed to be limitless. It fell headlong into it, and the splash awak- ened it to a new consciousness of things. This sea, though infinitely cold, was boiling like tu- bercles. Itself a more or less homogeneous slime, the stench of which is beyond all human conception (human language is singul…
1929 · PDF PAGE 39
…infully; I could feel him hoping for the end. This dreadful rose-dawn suddenly greyed and sick- ened with doubt. Hope sank to its nadir; fear rose like a dragon, with leaden wings. Suppose, thought he, that after all death does not end me! I cannot express this conception. It is not that the heart sank, it had nowhither to sink; it knew itself im- mortal, and immortal in a realm of unimagined pain and terror, unlighted by one glimpse of any other light than that pale glare of hate and of pestilence. This thought took shape in these words: I AM …
1929 · PDF PAGE 48
…terror of the whole gradually overshadowed even the abhorrence due to every part. The madness of the living is a thing so abominable and fearful as to chill every human heart with horror; it is less than nothing in comparison with the madness of the dead! A further complication now arose in the destruction irrevocable and complete of that compensating mecha- nism of the brain, which is the basis of the sense of time. Hideously distorted and deformed as it had been in the derangement of the brain, like a shapeless jelly shooting out, of a sudden…
1929 · PDF PAGE 53
…f one of my attendants. (3) She combines a fixed determination of suicide (in the extraordinary manner described by her) with an intense fear of death. She smokes uninterruptedly, and I am obliged to allow her to fumigate her room at night with the same drug. (4) She is certainly only twenty-four years old, and any competent judge would with equal certainty declare her sixty. (5) Professor von Buehle, to whom the note-books were sent, addressed to me a long and urgent telegram, begging her release on condition that she would promise not to comm…
1929 · PDF PAGE 17
… hat might have saved him even at the eleventh hour. But no! nothing that looked in the least like an Englishman, even to his overheated fear of discovery. He peered and dodged about for a little like a man stalking dangerous game, and then, with sudden stealth, his back to the door, pushed down the lever and slid into the shop. Avvy-voo photography? he said hurriedly, with averted face. Certainly, sir, replied the shopkeeper in perfect English. What does Monsieur require? Photographs of Paris, of Fontainebleau, of the Louvre, of Versaille…
1929 · PDF PAGE 16
…lt the atmosphere of the music-halls as Ulysses heard the Sirens. He was fortunately tied to the mast of his ignorance of French and his fear of asking anybody such a very peculiar question, or he would certainly have discovered and vis- ited the Moulin Rouge. As it was, Joan of Arc was very much more than was good for him. He stared, fascinated as by a basilisk, his eyes starting further and further from his head as his moral sense dragged his body backwards along the Rue
1929 · PDF PAGE 19
…r, was paying the price of his fall. He had allowed Gertrude to attend Art Classes, although he knew it to be wrong. But he had grown to fear his daughter, andon such a point especiallyhe was incapable of fighting her. For there were times when he tried to persuade himself that there was nothing wrong in it. A brother church-warden had looked a little askance when the news of Gertrude's advanced ideas had come; but Theodore had stoutly and even a little sternly rebuked him with the original remark: To the pure all things are pure. It wa…
1929 · PDF PAGE 22
…d shot themselves ineffectively. He felt for his heart and failed to find it, wondered if it had stopped and he were dying, had a fit of fear paralysing all his will. He thought of himself lying dead. No, by God! I can't do it! he cried, and flung the pistol back into the drawer. As luck would have it, the weapon exploded. The bullet broke his jaw, tore away four molars, smashed the cheek-bone, pulped the right eye, and, glancing from the frontal bone, found its billet in the ceiling. He lost consciousness and fell. His head struck the grate …