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Page 1 of 11929 · PDF PAGE 40
…d a soporific or a sham and a swindle. I was brought up a Presbyterian How easily I drifted into the English Church! And now where is God? Where is the Lamb of God? Where is the Saviour? Where is the Comforter? Why was I not saved from that devil? Is he going to eat me again? To absorb me into him? O fate inconceivably hideous! It is quite clear to meI hope you've got it down, Magdalen!that the demon is made of all those that have died of Bright's disease. There must be different ones for each disease. I thought I once caught sight of…
1929 · PDF PAGE 50
…t without loss of detail or of mass. He understood that The Many was The One without losing or fusing the con- ception of either. He was God, but a God irretrievably damned: a being infinite, yet limited by the nature of things, and that nature solely compact of loathliness. IX I have little doubt that the cremation of my hus- band's body cut short a process which in the normally buried man continues until no trace of organic substance remains. The first kiss of the furnace awoke an activity so vio- lent and so vivid that all the past paled in …
1929 · PDF PAGE 21
…y was a blot on the scutcheon of the Buggs). You're a harlot, miss! And then, with an awful change as the truth came home to him: O my God! O my God! Damn it! he screamed, how did you get the keys of my little safe? The girl had frozen colder than the stone, but there was a new light in her eye, and if the curl of a lip could tread a worm into the dust, that lip was hers and that worm the author of her being. She had withdrawn as one who comes suddenly upon a toad, and the first flaming of her face had died instantly to deadlier ice. Bugg …
1929 · PDF PAGE 36
…ughly awake, and told the driver to get home quickly. I hope she is killed in the motor; I hope she is smashed into a million pieces. O God! hear my one prayer! let an Anarchist throw a bomb and smash Magdalen into a million pieces! espe- cially the brain! and the brain first. O God! my first and last prayer: smash Magdalen into a million pieces! The horror of this thought was my convictionthen and nowthat it represented perfect sanity and coher- ence of thought. For I dreaded utterly to think what such words might imply. At the door of the…
1929 · PDF PAGE 41
No! thought he, perhaps I lack their faith. Perhaps if I could really persuade myself of God and ChristPerhaps if I could deceive myself, could make believe Such a thought is to surrender one's honesty, to ab- dicate one's reason. It marked the final futile struggle of his will. The demon caught and crunched him, and the noisy delirium began anew. My flesh and blood rebelled. Taken with a deathly vomit, I rushed from the room, and resolutely, for a whole hour, diverted my sensorium from thought. I had always found that the slightest …
1929 · PDF PAGE 25
… I have the heart of a child and the consciousness of Satan, the lethargy of I know not what disease; and yet, thankoh! there can be no God!the resolution to warn mankind to follow my example, and then to explode a dynamite cartridge in my mouth. II In my third year at Newnham I spend four hours of every day at Professor Blairs house. All other work was neglected, gone through mechanically, if at all. This came about gradually, as the result of an accident. The chemical laboratory has two rooms, one small and capable of being darkened. On th…
1929 · PDF PAGE 37
… only distressing yourself, Mrs. Blair, he said; and needlessly, for he is absolutely un- conscious and suffers nothing. A pause. My God! why do you look at me like that? he exclaimed, frightened out of his wits. I think my face had caught something of that devil's, something of that sneer, that loathing, that mire of contempt and stark despair. I sank back into myself, ashamed already that mere knowledgeand such mean vile knowledgeshould so puff one up with hideous pride. No wonder Satan fell! I began to understand all the old legends, …
1929 · PDF PAGE 9
…conversation in such circum- stances is a lengthy affair. During the whole march to our work he only managed to say, Escape soonplease God. Before his crime he had been an atheist. I was indeed glad to find that punishment had brought repen- tance. Bevan himself was relieved. He had carefully re- frained from admitting the existence of a French Free- mason; that one should have repented filled him with a sense of almost personal triumph. He began to like Duguesclin, and to believe in him. His wrong had been hideous; if his vengeance seemed …
1929 · PDF PAGE 3
…y the soul of your dead mother. My mother is alive, returned Bevan. I knew it, exclaimed his companion, a great and strange look of god-like pity illuminating his sunburnt face. It was such a look as one sees upon many statues of Buddha, a look of divine, of impersonal compassion. Then swear by the Lord Chancellor. Bevan was more than ever persuaded that the stranger was a Frenchman. However, he readily gave the required promise.
1929 · PDF PAGE 22
…d it, wondered if it had stopped and he were dying, had a fit of fear paralysing all his will. He thought of himself lying dead. No, by God! I can't do it! he cried, and flung the pistol back into the drawer. As luck would have it, the weapon exploded. The bullet broke his jaw, tore away four molars, smashed the cheek-bone, pulped the right eye, and, glancing from the frontal bone, found its billet in the ceiling. He lost consciousness and fell. His head struck the grate where yet smouldered the ashes of the photograph.
1929 · PDF PAGE 33
…without a pur- pose? Or am I a soul in a body? Or am I, one and indi- visible in some incredible sense, a spark of the infinite light of God? I am going to think inwards: I shall possi- bly go into some form of trance, unintelligible to myself. You may be able to interpret it. The experiment had lasted about half an hour when he sat up gasping with effort. I have seen nothing, heard nothing, I said. Not one thought has passed from you to me. But at that very moment what had been in his mind flashed into mine. It is a blind abyss, I told …