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Page 1 of 11929 · PDF PAGE 28
…elfishly. IV We returned to Cambridge in October, and Arthur threw himself vigorously into the new year's work. Then I fell ill, and the hope we had indulged was disap- pointed. Worse, the course of the illness revealed a con- dition which demanded the most complete series of op- erations which a woman can endure. Not only the past hope, but all future hope, was annihilated. It was during my convalescence that the most re- markable incident of my life took place. I was in great pain one afternoon, and wished to see the doctor. The nurse went to…
1929 · PDF PAGE 36
…etter pretend to be mad. It will save her, perhaps; and it will be a change. I shall pre- tend I have killed her with an axe. Damn it! I hope she is not listening. I was now thoroughly awake, and told the driver to get home quickly. I hope she is killed in the motor; I hope she is smashed into a million pieces. O God! hear my one prayer! let an Anarchist throw a bomb and smash Magdalen into a million pieces! espe- cially the brain! and the brain first. O God! my first and last prayer: smash Magdalen into a million pieces! The horror of this …
1929 · PDF PAGE 40
… not saved from that devil? Is he going to eat me again? To absorb me into him? O fate inconceivably hideous! It is quite clear to meI hope you've got it down, Magdalen!that the demon is made of all those that have died of Bright's disease. There must be different ones for each disease. I thought I once caught sight of a coughing bog of bloody slime. Let me pray. A frenzied appeal to the Creator followed. Sincere as it was, it would read like irreverence in print. And then there came the cold-drawn horror of stark blasphemy against this Go…
1929 · PDF PAGE 7
ure that the governor might (and did) indeed restrict, but could not take away. I refer to hopethe hope of escape. Yes, sir, that spark (alone of all its ancient fires) burnt in this breastand in that of my fellow- convicts. And in this I did not look so much to myself as to another. I am not endowed with any great intellect, he modestly pursued, my grandmother was pure Eng- lish, a Higginbotham, one of the Warwickshire Hig- ginbothams (what has that to do with his stupid- ity? thought Bevan) and the majority of my compan- ions were men n…
1929 · PDF PAGE 39
… ever slower and more painfully; I could feel him hoping for the end. This dreadful rose-dawn suddenly greyed and sick- ened with doubt. Hope sank to its nadir; fear rose like a dragon, with leaden wings. Suppose, thought he, that after all death does not end me! I cannot express this conception. It is not that the heart sank, it had nowhither to sink; it knew itself im- mortal, and immortal in a realm of unimagined pain and terror, unlighted by one glimpse of any other light than that pale glare of hate and of pestilence. This thought took sha…
1929 · PDF PAGE 32
… leered unspeakably. Then dribbled from its mouth these words: Ladies and gentlemen, the course is finished. You may go home. I cannot hope even to suggest the wickedness and filth of these simple expressions. Then, raising its voice to a grating scream, it yelled: White of egg! White of egg! White of egg! again and again for twenty minutes. The effect on me was shocking. It was as if I had a vision of Hell. Arthur found me in a very hysterical condition, but soon soothed me. Do you know, he said at dinner, I believe I have got a devilis…
1929 · PDF PAGE 50
…that this was final. Not only time, but all expansions of time, all mon- sters of time's womb were to be annihilated; even the ego might hope some end. The ego is the worm that dieth not, and existence the fire that is not quenched. Yet in this universal pyre, in this barathrum of liquid lava, jetted from the volca- noes of the infinite, this lake of fire that is reserved for the devil and his angels, might not one at last touch bottom? Ah! but time was no more, neither any eidolon thereof!
1929 · PDF PAGE 43
…stasy of changeless fear. There were no waves upon that sea of shame, no troubling of those accursed waters by any thought. There was no hope of any ground to that abyss, no thought that it might stop. So tireless was that fall that even acceleration was absent; it was constant and level as the fall of a star. There was not even a feel- ing of pace; infinitely fast as it must be, judging from the peculiar dread which it inspired, it was yet infinitely slow, having regard to the infinitude of the abyss. I took measures not to be disturbed by the…
1929 · PDF PAGE 2
…at face also ex- pressed intelligence, strength, and resourcefulness in a degree which would have made him an ideal comrade in a forlorn hope, or the defence of a desperate vil- lage. Across the back of his left hand was a thick and heavy scar. In spite of all this, he was dressed with sin- gular neatness and correctness; which circumstance, although his English was purer than that of his compan- ion in distress, made the latter secretly incline to suspect him of being a Frenchman. In spite of the quietness of his dress and the self-possession …
1929 · PDF PAGE 44
…was no change, except a deepening of the fear, an in- tensification of the loneliness, a more utter absorption in the shame. I could but hope that in the ultimate stagna- tion of all vital forces, death would become final, hell merged into annihilation. This started a train of thought which ended in a de- termination to hasten the process. I thought of blowing out the brains, remembered that I had no means of do- ing so. I thought of freezing the body, imagined a story for the nurse, reflected that no cold could excite in his soul aught icier t…