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Page 1 of 31909 · PDF PAGE 91
…concourse of ideas that I have here recorded, instead of remaining fixed in the single stronghold of Unity with Myself. And so this great day draws to its end. These are indeed the Qliphoth, the Qliphoth of Kether, the Thaumiel, twin giant heads that hate and tear each other. For the horror and darkness have been unbelievable; yet again, the light and brilliance have been almost in- supportable. I was never so far, and never so near . . . But the hour approaches. Let me collect myself, and begin the new day in affirmation of my Unity with my Lor…
1909 · PDF PAGE 99
…no “ jumping about like a frog” or levitation. A pity ! I shall read for a little in the Yoga-Shastra as a rest. Then for the end of the day and the Beginning of the Ninth Day. Zoroaster (or Pythagoras ?) informs us that the number Nine is sacred, and attains the summit of Philosophy. I’m sure I hope so! I get into Asana . . . and so endeth the Eighth Lesson. The Ninth Day Thus I began this great day, being in my Asana firm and easy, and holding in my breath for a full minute while I threw my will with all my might towards Adonai. Have settled m…
1909 · PDF PAGE 53
… the accident of my being outside the room and the door left open, so that she was inside on my return. Let me get into Asana. The Fifth Day So beginneth the Fifth Day of this great Magical Retirement. With two and twenty breath—cycles did I begin. This practice was a little easier; but not much better. It ought to become quite simple and natural before one devotes the half-minute of Kam- bhakam (breath held-in), when one is rigid to a strong projectionofWill toward Adonai,ashas been mycustom. I hope to-day will be more hard definite magical Wor…
1909 · PDF PAGE 68
5.40. 557- 6.30. 7.10. THE EQUINOX But it has done no good as far as energy is concerned. I’m just as bad or worse than I was on the day which I have called the day of Apophis (third day). The only thing to my credit is the way I’ve kept the mantra going. One thing at least is good; if anything does come of this great magical retirement—which I am beginning to doubt—it will not be mixed up with any other enthusiasm, poetic, venereal, or bacchanalian. It will be purely mystici But as it has not happened yet—- and just at present it seems incredi…
1909 · PDF PAGE 112
…ly. . . , Therefore is 0. M. not content with all this wonder; but will now orderly close the temple, that at the Beginning of the Tenth Day—and Ten are the Holy Sephiroth, the Emanations of the Crown ; Blessed be He! . . . He may make new considerations of this Operation whereby he may discover through what error he is thus betrayed again and again into failure. Failure. Failure. The Temple is closed. Now then, Ο Lord Adonai! Let the Tenth Day be favourable unto 0. Mi For in the struggle he is as nothing worth. Nor valiant, nor fortunate, nor …
1909 · PDF PAGE 125
… of itl The torture of it! I slept in patches as a man sleeps that is deadly ill. I am only afraid of failing to wake for the End of the day. God! what a day! . . . I dare not trust my will to keep me awake; so I rise, wash, and will walk about till time to get into my Asana. Thirst! Oh how I thirst! I had not thought that there could be such suffering. The Eleventh Day It seems a poor thing to be proud of, merely to be awake. Yet I was flushed with triumph as a boy that wins his first race. The powers of Asana and Pranayama return. I did 21 Brea…
1909 · PDF PAGE 75
…le to live up to this! Have been practising Asana, etc. I forgot one thing in the last entry: I had been reproaching Adonai that for six days I had evoked Him in vain. . . . I got the reply, “ The Seventh Day shall be the Sabbath of the Lord thy God.” So mote it be! T/æ Seven/ll Day. I began this great day with Eight breath—cycles; was stopped by the indigestion trouble in its other form. (P.S.—Evidently the introduction of the Cascara into my sensitive aura made its action instantaneous.) My breathing passages were none too clear, either ; I h…
1909 · PDF PAGE 61
… Ithink They don’t play fair. Iwill now go and get something to eat, and (God willing) on my return settle down to real work, for I need daylight to copy my Ritual. A sandwich and two coffees at the Versailles and a citron pressé at the Dome, some little chatter with M—e, Β e, H s, and others. In fact, I’m a lazy unconcentrated hound. I started Mantra again, though ; of course it goes quite easily. Undressed, and the mantra going, and the Will toward Adonai less unapparent. To—day I began ill, full of spiritual pride—look at the records of my e…
1909 · PDF PAGE 34
…the Infernal Gods that the Omen may be averted; but I seem to have conquered the real Dweller of the Threshold once and for all. For nowadays my blackest despair is tempered by the certainty of coming through it sooner or later, and that with flying colours. The last??םסשI wasted talking to Dr. R——, that most interesting man. I don’t mean talking; I mean listening. You are a bad, idle good-formothingfellow, 0. M.! Why not stick to that mantra? Have drunk two citrons presses and gone to my room to work a mighty spell of magick Art. Having got rid…
1909 · PDF PAGE 33
…n to stop it absolutely at will : even the Work itself may become an obsession. I 1 hours with no real break—not bad. The bad part of to-day seems the Asana, and the deadness. Or, perhaps worse, I fail to apprehend the true magical purport of my work: hence all sort of aimless formulae, leading—naturallyenough—to no result. It just strikes me—it may be this Isis Apophis Osiris IAO formula that I have preached so often. Certainly the first two days were Isis—natural, pleasant, easy events. Most certainly too to-day has been Apophis! Think of the …
1909 · PDF PAGE 30
…niverse even as Man the Lion very lordly, the Sun in His strength that travelleth over the heaven of Nu in His bark in the mid-career of Day. For all these thoughts are vain; there is but One thought, though that thought be not yet born—He only is God, and there is none other God than Hel Walking home with mantra; suddenly a spasm of weeping took me as I cried through the manna—" My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?”—and I have to stop and put it down I A good thing; for it calms me. At the Dome, master of myself. The Mantra goes just 30 …
1909 · PDF PAGE 43
…tting sick of it. It occurs to me, now that I am seeing my way in the Operation a little more clearly, that one might consider the First Day as Osiris Slain 44, the Second as that of the Mourning of Isis U, the third as that of the Triumph of Apophis V, and to-day that of Osiris Risen X ; these four days being perfect in themselves as a 5°=6° operation (or possibly with one or two more 41
1909 · PDF PAGE 42
10.0. ro.50. 40 THE EQUINOX R———d, my distaste for food was so intense that the smell of it caused real nausea. To-day, I am perfectly balanced, neither hungry nor nauseated. This is indeed more important than it seems ; it is a sure sign when one sees a person take up fads that he is under the black rule of Apophis. In the Kingdom of Osiris there is freedom and light. To-day I shall eat neither with the frank gluttony of Isis nor with the severe asceticism of Apophis. I shall eat as much and as little as I fancy; these violent means are no lon…
1909 · PDF PAGE 25
…N And indeed, though I tried to continue the mantra with its high aspiration to know Adonai, I must have slept almost at once. The Third Day Now the day being gloriously broken, I awoke with some weariness, not feeling clean and happy, not burning with love unto my Lord Adonai, though ashamed indeed for that thrice or four times in the night I had been awakened by this loyal body, urging me to rise and meditate—and my weak will bade it be at ease and take its rest—oh, wretched man! slave of the hour and of the worm 1 Fifteen cycles of Prana Yam…
1909 · PDF PAGE 134
…hat perception and execution have got into unison (for once) and know it, I cannot say.) It is well that thus should close this eleventh day of my Retirement, and the thirty-third year of my life. Thirty and three years was this templein building. . . . It has always been my custom on this night to look back over the year, and to ask: What have I done? The answer is invariably “ Nothing.” Yet ofwhat men count deeds I have done no small share. I have travelled abit, written abit . , . I seem to have been hard at it all the time—and to have got n…
1909 · PDF PAGE 47
7.20. 7.40. JOHN ST. JOHN likely have broken up the Apophis—kingdom of yester— day in a moment, and the truth of it would have been 5 per cent.drug and95per cent.magic ; but nobodywould have believed me. Remember that this record is for the British Public, “ who may like me yet.” God forbid! for I cannot echo Browning’s hope. Their greasiness, hypocrisy, and meanness are such that their appreciation could only mean my vileness, not their redemption. Sorry if I seem pessimistic about them! A nasty one for me, by the way, if they suddenly started…
1909 · PDF PAGE 13
…f the Holy Guardian Angel. Then I struCk Twelve times upon the Bell ; with the new month the Operation was duly begun. Oct. 1. The First Day At Eight o’clock I rose from sleep and putting on my Robe, began a little to meditate. For several reasons— the journey and business of the day before, etc. etc., I did not feel fresh. But forcing myself a little I rose II
1909 · PDF PAGE 136
…xpressible things were known of me. Also I was given to enjoy the subtle Presence of my Lord interiorly during the whole of this twelfth day. Then Ι besought the Lord that He would take me into His presence eternally even now. But He withdrew Himself, for that I must do that which I was sent hither to do; namely, to rule the earth. Therefore with sweetness ineffable He parted from me ; yet leaving acomfort not to be told, aPeace . . . the Peace. And the Light and the Perfume do certainly yet remain with me in the little Chamber, and I know that…
1909 · PDF PAGE 141
…amber to enflame myself in praying at the Altar that I have set up. And I am ready, robed, armed, anointed . . . Ardesco ! The Thirteenth Day. It is Eight o’clock in the morning. Being entered into the Silence, let me abide in the Silence! AMEN I39
1909 · PDF PAGE 19
12.7. 12.18. 12.20. 12.28. 12.33. JOHN ST. JOHN The Second Day The Stroke of Twelve found me duly in my Asana, practising Pranayama. Let me continue this work ; for it is written that unto the persevering mortal the Blessed Immortals are swift . . . What then should happen to a persevering Immortal like myself? Trying meditation and mantra. I find thoughts impossible to concentrate; and my Asana, despite various cowardly attempts to "fudge” it, is {rightfully painful. In Hanged Man posture, meditating and willing the Presence of Adonai by the Ri…