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Page 1 of 21909 · PDF PAGE 100
12.37. 2.12. 3.4- 5.40. 98 THE EQUINOX Having learnt a few passages of a suitable nature to go to sleep upon, I will do so. . . . Now I hope that I shall; surely the Reaction of Nature against the Magical Will must be wearing down at last! I wake. It takes me a little while to shake off the dominion of sleep, very intense and bitter. Thus John St. John—for it is not convenient further to speak as “I"——-performed 45 Breath-cycles; for 20 minutes he had to struggle against the Root of the Powers of Sleep, and the obstruction of his left nostril. …
1909 · PDF PAGE 104
…E EQUINOX He was too tired to reach nearer than the neighbour- hood of that tremendous Threshold; wherefore he fell from meditation into sleep, and there his Lord gave him sweet rest thereof. He will arise, and take a drink—a citron presse—at the Dome ; for the day is yet exceeding hot, and he has had little One ought to remark that all this sleep is full of extravagant dreams ; rarely irrational and never (of course) unpleasant, or one would be up and working with a circle every night. But O.M. thinks that they show an excited and unbalanced c…
1909 · PDF PAGE 19
…ture, meditating and willing the Presence of Adonai by the Ritual “Thee I invoke, the Bornless One " and mental formula. I‘rn hopelessly sleepy! Invocation as bad as bad could lae—attention all over the place. Irrational hallu- cinations, such as avision of either Eliphaz Levi or my father (I can’t swear which I) at the most solemn moment! But the irrational character of said visions is not bad. They come from nowhere; it is much worse when your own controlled brain breaks loose. I will therefore compose myself to sleep: is it not written that …
1909 · PDF PAGE 15
…rivations and thoroughly enjoying the idea. Having finished a most enjoyable lunch, will drink coffee and smoke, and try and get a little sleep. Thus to break up sleep into two shifts. A nice sleep. Woke refreshed. Am arrived home, having performed a little business and driven back. Will sit down and do Asana, etc. Have started. 7 Pranayama cycles enough. Doubtless the big lunch is a nuisance. I continue meditating simply. Asana hurts badly, and I can no longer concentrate at all. Must take 5 minutes‘ rest and then persevere. I3
1909 · PDF PAGE 127
12.33. 1.17. 3.8. 3-30- 8.12. 8.52. 9.14. 11.15. JOHN ST. JOHN And now (12.57) John St. John will turn himself to sleep, invoking Adonai. Can neither sleep nor concentrate. Instead grotesque “ astral ” images of a quite base gargoylish type. I suppose I shall have to pentagram them off like a damned neophyte. je m'emmerde| Praise the Lord, I wake l If that can be called waking which is a mere desperate struggle to keep the eyes open. . Pranayama all wrong—very difficult. Rose, washed, drank a few drops of water. (N.B.—To—night have drunk several…
1909 · PDF PAGE 137
… passage into night, His pleasure on the earth to do Among the living. Amen Amen without lie Amen, and Amen of Amen. I shall lie down to sleep in my robes, still wearing the Ring of the Masters, and bearing my wand in my hand. For to me now sleep is the same as waking, and life the same as death. In Thy L.V.X. are not light and darkness but twin children that chase each other in their play? Awoke from long sweet dreamless sleep, like a young eagle that soars to greet the dawn. After breakfast, have strolled, on my way to the studio, through the…
1909 · PDF PAGE 36
…CLXXI. Alas! in vain have I tried even the supreme ritual of Awaiting the Beloved, although once I thought Ah ! give unto Thy beloved in sleep! How ashamed I should be, though! For an earthly lover one would be on tiptoe of excitement, trembling at every sound, eager, afraid . . . I will, however, rise and open (as for a symbol) the door and the window. Oh that the door of my heart were ever open! For He is always there, and always eager to come in. I rise and open unto my Beloved. . . . May it be granted unto me in the daylight of this day to …
1909 · PDF PAGE 58
…ree seconds—even if he burst in the process. All this I am writing during breakfast. My devotees may note, by the way, how the desire to sleep is breaking up. Night I. 7% hours, unbroken from 12.30. ,, II. 7 hours nearly, with dreams. ,, III. 8 hours nearly; but woke three or {our times, and if I had not been a worm would have scattered it like chaff I ,, IV. δὲhours ; and I wake fresh. ,, V. I%+4§+ I hour; and real good work done in the intervals. [P.S. ,, VI. Probably 4 hours. ,, VII. 2+2+§ hours. ,, VIII. 6 hours much broken. ,, IX. 112—4-2—…
1909 · PDF PAGE 133
…is presence, the Perfume and the Vision, even as it is written in the Book of the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage. Soon this became a sleep, though the will was eager and concentrated. The sleep, too, was deep and refreshing. I will go to dinner. Arrived, with mantra, at the Cafe de Versailles. ἑdoz. Marennes, Rable de Lievre, citron presse. I am now able to concentrate OFF the Path for a little. Whether this means that I am simply slipping back into the world, or that I am more balanced on, and master of, the Path, I cannot say. Have walked…
1909 · PDF PAGE 114
…at Mayan, dread maker of Illu- sion, hath cumbered it withal. Io Breath-Cycles; calm, perfect, without the least effort; enough to go to sleep upon. He will read through the Ritual once, and then sleep. (The Pranayama precipitated a short attack of diarrhoea, started by the chill of the Ceremony.) He slept from 1.45 (approximately) till now. The mom is cold and damp; rain has fallen. John St. John is horribly tired; the “ control ” is worn to a thread. He takes‘five minutes to make up his mind to go through with it, five more to wash and write th…
1909 · PDF PAGE 54
… and unbalanced. So I eat a biscuit or two and drink some water and will put it right with the Pentagram Ritual. Done, but oh! how hard. Sleep fights me as Apollyon fought Christian! but I will up and take him by the throat. (See; ’tis 2.30. Twelve minutes to do that little in!) And look at the handwriting! How excellent is Prana Yama, a comfort to the soul! I did thirty-two cycles, easy and pleasant; could have gone on indefinitely. The muscles went rigid, prac— tically of their own accord; so light did I feel that I almost thought myself to be …
1909 · PDF PAGE 47
…little fog; and, one may suspect, the air is overcharged with electricity. I will rest quietly with my mantra as Hanged Man, and perhaps sleep for a little. . No sleep—no rest for the wicked! ’Tis curious how totally independent is mantra-yoga of reverie. I can say my mantra vigorously while my thought wanders all over the world; yetI cannot write the simplest sentence without stopping it, unless with a very great effort, and then it is not satisfactory to either party! Meditation—~of the " rational ” sort—on this leads me to suggestthat active…
1909 · PDF PAGE 93
12.3. 7.40. 9.10. 12.15. JOHN ST. JOHN Anyhow I will now (12.37) go quietly to sleep—as I am always saying, and never do when I say it !—in the hope that daylight may bring counsel. Woke fresh and comfortable. Sleep filled with dreams and broken into short lengths. I ought to observe that this is a very striking result of forging this magic chain; for in my normal life I am one of the soundest sleepers imaginable. Nine solid hours without turning once is my irreducible minimum. Having done an hour’s illumination of the New Ritual, will go and br…
1909 · PDF PAGE 86
…. sabacthani l Ι went out to the Dome to drink my final citron pressé and to avoid the Visconti. Am returned, and in bed. I shall try and sleep now, waking in time for midnight and the quiet hours. I have endured the supreme temptation and assault of the Enemy. In this wise. First, I found that I did not want sleep—I couldn’t stop “Waiting." Next, I said ”Since last night that Black Ritual (see entry 10.55) did at least serve to turn all my thoughts to the One Thought, I will try it again . . .“ Then I said: “No; to do so is not pure ‘waiting.’ …
1909 · PDF PAGE 28
…normally in 3) demands the whole attention. . Drifted into a nap. Welll we shall try what Brother Body really wants. My attempt to go to sleep has made me supernaturally wakeful. I am—as often before—in the state described by Paul (not my masseur; the other Paul I) in his Epistle to the Romans, cap. vii. v. 19. I shall arise and go forth. I have a good mind to try violent excitement of the Muladhara Cakkram ; for the whole Sushumna seems dead. This at the risk of being labelled a Black Magician—by clergymen, Christian Scientists, and the “ self…
1909 · PDF PAGE 67
…evious were not really dry; so I must wait a little before illuminating. I will rest—if I can! In the Hanged Man posture. I soon went to sleep and stayed there. It is useless to persist. . . . Yet I persist. I was so shockingly cold that I went to the Dome and had milk, coffee, and sandwich, eaten in Yogin manner. x 65
1909 · PDF PAGE 124
…t jerk. This I expect is at bottom the explanation of the Bhuchari—Siddhi. A very bad form of uncontrolled thought. I was on the edge 01 sleep; it woke me. The fact is, all is over! I am done! I have tried for the Great Initiation and I have failed; I am swept away into strange hells. Lord Adonai! let the fires be informing; let them “ balance, assain, assoil." I suppose this rash attempt will end in Locomotor Ataxia or G. P. I.
1909 · PDF PAGE 103
…rough. He will make a few decorations further in his Ritual, and perhaps design the Frontispiece and Colophon. He is very weary, and may sleep. He has done the illumination, as far as may be. He will now lie down as Hanged Man, and invoke Adonai. 101
1909 · PDF PAGE 118
…o. Might be worth trying anyway; things can hardly be worse than they are. Or, one might go over to the Hammam, and have a long bath and sleep—but who can tell whether it would refresh, or merely destroy the whole edifice built up so laboriously in these ten days? At Pantheon. ἑdozen Marennes, Rognons Brochette, Lait chaud.
1909 · PDF PAGE 125
…N Let it! I’m going on. The first power to return is the power to suffer. The shame of itl The torture of it! I slept in patches as a man sleeps that is deadly ill. I am only afraid of failing to wake for the End of the day. God! what a day! . . . I dare not trust my will to keep me awake; so I rise, wash, and will walk about till time to get into my Asana. Thirst! Oh how I thirst! I had not thought that there could be such suffering. The Eleventh Day It seems a poor thing to be proud of, merely to be awake. Yet I was flushed with triumph as a bo…