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Page 1 of 31909 · PDF PAGE 55
JOHN ST. JOHN 3.6. I despair of asking my readers to distinguish between the common phenomenon of wandering thought and this phenomenon which is at the very portal of true and perfect concentration ; yet it is most important that the distinction should be seized The further difficulty will occur—I hope I—of distinguishing between the vacancy of the idiot, and that destruction of thought which we call Shivadarshana, or Nirvikalpa—samadhi, [We must again refer the reader to the Hindu classics. —ED.] The only diagnostic I can think of is this; that…
1909 · PDF PAGE 86
…nt sleep—I couldn’t stop “Waiting." Next, I said ”Since last night that Black Ritual (see entry 10.55) did at least serve to turn all my thoughts to the One Thought, I will try it again . . .“ Then I said: “No; to do so is not pure ‘waiting.’ ” And then—as by a flash of lightning—the Abyss of the Pit opened, and my whole position was turned. I saw my life from the dawn of consciousness till now as a gigantic “ pose ” ; my very love of truth assumed for the benefit of my biographer I All these strange things suffered and enjoyed for no better purp…
1909 · PDF PAGE 124
…he illusions that I have made in the Search for Adonai, that I am become the vilest of them all! A strange and unpleasant experience. My thought suddenly transmuted itself into a muscular cry, so that my legs gave a violent jerk. This I expect is at bottom the explanation of the Bhuchari—Siddhi. A very bad form of uncontrolled thought. I was on the edge 01 sleep; it woke me. The fact is, all is over! I am done! I have tried for the Great Initiation and I have failed; I am swept away into strange hells. Lord Adonai! let the fires be informing; le…
1909 · PDF PAGE 47
…No sleep—no rest for the wicked! ’Tis curious how totally independent is mantra-yoga of reverie. I can say my mantra vigorously while my thought wanders all over the world; yetI cannot write the simplest sentence without stopping it, unless with a very great effort, and then it is not satisfactory to either party! Meditation—~of the " rational ” sort—on this leads me to suggestthat active “ radiant" thought may be incom— patible with the mantra, itself being (Ρ) active. One can 45
1909 · PDF PAGE 63
…r another mania, for a third melancholia, for a fourth death. It is not äþriarz' absurd to suggest that there may be some one particular thought that would cause death. In the man with heart disease, forinstance, the thought "I will run quickly upstairs ” might cause death quite as directly as “ I will shoot myself.” Yet of 61
1909 · PDF PAGE 7
…ou will perceive in these pages a man with all his im- perfections thick upon him trying blindly, yet with all his force, to control the thoughts of his mind, 50 that he shall be able to say ”I will think this thought and not that thought” at any moment, as easily as (having conquered Nature) we are all able to say “I will drink this wine, and not that wine.” For, as we have now learnt, our happiness does not at all depend upon our possessions or our power. We would all rather be dead than be a millionaire who lives in daily dread of murder or …
1909 · PDF PAGE 110
8.20. 8.35. 9.0. 9-35- THE EQUINOX The thought too, is wanderingall over the world. Since the last entry, very likely, the beast has not thought even once of Adonai. The Reading of the Ritual has done much service, though things are still far from calm. Yet the mighty flood of the Chittam is again rolling its tremendous tide toward the sea—the Sea of annihilation. Amen. Returning home, with his eyes fixed on the supreme glory of the Moon, in his heart and brain invoking Adonai, he hath now entered into his little chamber, and will prepare all thi…
1909 · PDF PAGE 30
… the Lion very lordly, the Sun in His strength that travelleth over the heaven of Nu in His bark in the mid-career of Day. For all these thoughts are vain; there is but One thought, though that thought be not yet born—He only is God, and there is none other God than Hel Walking home with mantra; suddenly a spasm of weeping took me as I cried through the manna—" My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?”—and I have to stop and put it down I A good thing; for it calms me. At the Dome, master of myself. The Mantra goes just 30 times a minute, 180…
1909 · PDF PAGE 15
{2.12. 12.13 12.24. 12.55. 2.18. 3.15. 3.20. 3.28. י3.36 JOHN ST. JOHN I thought of recording my own weight which I had not taken. Good! Pranayama [10 seconds to breathe in, 20 seconds to breathe out, 30 seconds to hold in the breath] Fairly good ; made me sweat again thoroughly. Stopped not from fatigue but from lunch. [Odd memoranda during lunch. Insist on pupils writing down their whole day; the play as well as the work. “By this means they will become ashamed, and prate no longer of ‘beasts.’ "] Ι am now well away on the ascetic current, de…
1909 · PDF PAGE 71
…e! How I wish I had written them! Having drunk a citron presse and watched the poker game at the Dome for a little, I now return home. I thought to myself, “Let me chuck the whole thing overboard and be sensible, and get a good night’s rest"—and perceived that it would be impossible. I am so far into this Operation that pausing to cast one last glance back O’er the safe road—’twas gone !
1909 · PDF PAGE 28
…Am sitting on the brink of the big fountain in the Luxembourg. This deadness of the whole system continues. To explain. Normally, if the thought be energetically directed to almost any point in the body, that point is
1909 · PDF PAGE 122
… read some of THE Books to induct myself again into the Work. Therefore will I kindle the holy Incense, and turn myself again to the One Thought.
1909 · PDF PAGE 43
…rote the Ritual in verse, in the Egyptian Language. I don’t think very well. Time must show: also experience. I’d recite Tenny- son if I thought it would give Samadhil Now more mantra, though by the Lord I’m getting sick of it. It occurs to me, now that I am seeing my way in the Operation a little more clearly, that one might consider the First Day as Osiris Slain 44, the Second as that of the Mourning of Isis U, the third as that of the Triumph of Apophis V, and to-day that of Osiris Risen X ; these four days being perfect in themselves as a 5…
1909 · PDF PAGE 20
…began to sweat. A mediocre performance. Breakfast. Hatha Yogi—a pear and two gau- frettes. Have been meditating :in Hanged Man position. Thought dull and wandering; yet once “ the concep- tion of the Glowing Fire" seen as a planet (perhaps Mars). Just enough to destroy the concentration ; then it went out, dammit! Have attended to correspondence and other business and drunk a citron pressé. The Voice of the Nadi began to resound. Have done ”Bornless One ” in Asana. Good; yet I am filled with utter despair at the hopelessness of the Task. Especia…
1909 · PDF PAGE 128
…n the Pantacle, thinking of Adonai. Of course we are now reduced to a “low anthropo- morphic conception ”—but what odds ? Once the Right Thought comes it will transcend any and all conceptions. The objection is as silly as the objection to illustrating Geometry by Diagrams, on the ground that printed lines are thick—and so on. This is the imbecility of the “ Protestant " objection to images. What fools these mortals be! The Greeks, too, after exhausting all their sublimest thoughts of Zeus and Hades and Poseidon, found that they could not find a…
1909 · PDF PAGE 138
… stress. How easy is magic, once the way is found! How still is the soul! The turbid spate of emotion has ceased; the heavy particles of thought have sunk
1909 · PDF PAGE 25
…he way are the small size, half the big squares) Have smoked a pipe to show that I'm not in a hurry. Hanged Man with mantra in Visuddhi. Thought I had been much longer. At one point the Spirit began to move—how the devil else can Ι express it? The consciousness seemed to flow, instead of pattering. Is that clear? One should here note that there may perhaps be some essential difference in the Operation of the Moslem and Hindu mantrams. The latter boom; the former ripple. I have never tried the former at all seriously until now. 23
1909 · PDF PAGE 60
…ware that in one sense all this working and ritual making and copying and illuminating is but a crowd of dog-faced demons, since the One Thought of Unity with Adonai is absent. But I do it on purpose, making each thing I do into that Magic Will. So if you ask me “Are you correcting Liber DCCCCLXIII. ?" I reply, “ No! Iam Adonail " Arrival of the Visconti. Departure of the Visconti. Really a necessary rest: for my head had begun to ache, and her kiss, half given and half taken, much refreshed me. Have done Liber DCCCCLXIII. 'Tis hardly thinkable…
1909 · PDF PAGE 125
… trust my will to keep me awake; so I rise, wash, and will walk about till time to get into my Asana. Thirst! Oh how I thirst! I had not thought that there could be such suffering. The Eleventh Day It seems a poor thing to be proud of, merely to be awake. Yet I was flushed with triumph as a boy that wins his first race. The powers of Asana and Pranayama return. I did 21 Breath-cycles without fatigue. Energy returns, and Keenness to pursue the Path—all fruits of that one little victory over sleep. How delicate are these powers, so simple as they s…
1909 · PDF PAGE 101
…he Violet Lotus of Ajna appeared, flashing like some marvellous comet; the Dawn began to break, as he slew with the Lightning-Flash every thought that arose in him, especially this Vision of Ajna; but fear —dread fear !—gripped his heart. Annihilation stood before him, annihilation of John St. John that he had 99