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…t is with the object of giving the reins into the hands of others that I have written this record, not without pain. Others, reading it, will see the sort of way one sets to work ; they will imitate and improve upon it; they will attain to the Magistry; they will prepare the Red Tincture and the Elixir of Life—for they will discover what Life means.
… of God, hereby bind myself on behalf of the whole Universe, even as we are now physically bound unto the cross of suffering: II. that I will lead a pure life, as a devoted servant of the Order: III. that I will understand all things : IVA that I will love all things: ᾽ V. that I will perform all things and endure all things: VI. that I will continue in the Knowledge and Conversation of My Holy Guardian Angel: VII. that I will work without attachment : IO
…se of all, the Quintessence of All, the Transcender of all. And Thee I seek insistently; though Thou hide Thy- self in the Heaven, there will I seek Thee out ; though Thou wrap Thyself in the Flames οἵthe Abyss, even there will I pursue Thee; Though Thou make Thee a secret place in the Heart of the Rose or at the Arms of the Cross that spanneth all-embracing Space; though Thou be in the inmost part of matter, or behind the Veil of mind; Thee will I follow; Thee will I over- take; Thee will I gather into my being. So thus as I chase Thee from fa…
10.55. 11.17. 11.30. 72 THE EQUINOX Bartzabel! Madim! I conjure ye in the Number Five. By the Flaming Star of my Will! By the Senses of my Body! By the Five Elements of my Being! Rise! Move! Appear! Come ye forth unto me and torture me with your fierce pangs . . . for why? because I am the Servant of the Same your God, the True Worshipper of the Highest. Ol sonuf vaoresaji, gono Iadapiel. elonusaha cælazod. 1 rule above ye, said the Lord of Lords, exalted in power. [From Dr. Dee's MSS.—ED.] Will now try the Hanged Man again. Very Vigorous and go…
…ok! It is for this reason that I invite with confidence the attention of humanity to this record of my journey. But another set of people will find another disappoint~ ment. I am hardly an heroic figure. I am not The Good Young Man That Died. Ido not remain in holy meditation, balanced on my left eyelash, for forty years, restoring ex- hausted nature by a single grain of rice at intervals of several months. You will perceive in these pages a man with all his im- perfections thick upon him trying blindly, yet with all his force, to control the thou…
440- 6.10. 7.15. 8.3. 8.4.0. 94- THE EQUINOX St. john and his ₪258/?)?ושמthink af Adonai! Exactly: the one difficulty] My best way out will be to concentrate on the New Ritual, learn it perfectly by heart, work it at the right moment. . . . I will go, with this idea, to have a Citron presse; thence to my Secret Restaurant, and dine, always learning the Ritual. I will leave off the mantra, though it is nearly as much part of me as my head by now; and instead repeat over and over again the words of the Ritual so that I can do it in the end with pe…
…his eyes fixed on the supreme glory of the Moon, in his heart and brain invoking Adonai, he hath now entered into his little chamber, and will prepare all things for the due performance of the New Ritual which he hath got by heart. Nearly ready. In a state of very intense magical strain—anything might happen. 9.48. Washed, robed, temple in order. Will wait until 10 11.5. 108 o’clock and begin upon the stroke. O.M. 7° = 4" will begin; and then solemnly renounce all his robes, weapons, dignities, etc., renouncing his grades even by giving the Sign…
…y be that the morning may bring remembrance of Thee which this consciousness does not now contain. But I swear by Thine own glory that I will not be satisfied with this, that I will go on even unto madness and death if it be Thy will—but I will know Thee as Thou art. It is strange how my cries died down; how I found myself quite involuntarily swinging back to the old mantra that I worked all yesterday. However, I shall try a little longer in the Position of the Hanged Man, although sleep is again attacking me. I am weary, yet content, as if some…
…rom lunch. [Odd memoranda during lunch. Insist on pupils writing down their whole day; the play as well as the work. “By this means they will become ashamed, and prate no longer of ‘beasts.’ "] Ι am now well away on the ascetic current, devising all sorts of privations and thoroughly enjoying the idea. Having finished a most enjoyable lunch, will drink coffee and smoke, and try and get a little sleep. Thus to break up sleep into two shifts. A nice sleep. Woke refreshed. Am arrived home, having performed a little business and driven back. Will si…
…k cleanly and express beautifully. Am I to prosti- tute myself for a handful of bread? I swear by Thyself, 0 Thou who art myself, that I will not write save to glorify Thee, that I will write only in beauty and melody, that I will give unto the world as Thou givest unto me, whether it be a consuming fire, or a cup of the wine of Iacchus, or a glittering dagger, or a disk brighter than the sun. I will starve in the street before I pander to the vileness of the men among Whom I live—0h my Lord Adonai, be with me, give me the purest poesy, keep me …
12.33. 1.17. 3.8. 3-30- 8.12. 8.52. 9.14. 11.15. JOHN ST. JOHN And now (12.57) John St. John will turn himself to sleep, invoking Adonai. Can neither sleep nor concentrate. Instead grotesque “ astral ” images of a quite base gargoylish type. I suppose I shall have to pentagram them off like a damned neophyte. je m'emmerde| Praise the Lord, I wake l If that can be called waking which is a mere desperate struggle to keep the eyes open. . Pranayama all wrong—very difficult. Rose, washed, drank a few drops of water. (N.B.—To—night have drunk several…
…ritual world. The former I long since possessed.) I. It may perhaps mean severe asceticism. In case I should be going out on that path I will try and get a real good dinner to fortify myself. 2. The paths leading to Geburah are from Hod, that of the Hanged Man, andfrom Tiphereth, that of Justice, both equilibrated aspects of Severity, the one implying Self—Sacrifice, the other involuntary suffering. One is Free- will, the other Karma; and that in a wider sense than that of Suffering. The Ritual DCLXXI will still be applicable: indeed, it may be…
…lds this opinion. But I think that this Record, when I have time to go through it, and stand at some distance, to get the per— spective, will be proved a conclusive proof of my thesis. I think that every failure will be certainly traceable to my own dam foolishness; every little success to courage, skill, wit, tenacity. IfI had but a little more of these! I further take this opportunityof asserting my Atheism. I believe that all these phenomena are as explicable as the formation of hoar-frost or of glacier tables. I believe “Attainment” to be a…
JOHN ST. JOHN 11.35. I will now break my fast with a sandwich and coffee, eaten Yogin-wise. I seem like one convalescent after a fever; very calm, very clean, rather weak, too weak, indeed, to be actually happy: but content. I spent the morning posing for Michael Brenner, a sculptor who will one day be heard of. Very young yet, but I think the best man of his generation—of those whose work I have seen. By the way, I am suffering from a swollen finger, since yesterday morning or possibly earlier‘ I have given it little attention, but it is painfu…
12.37. 2.12. 3.4- 5.40. 98 THE EQUINOX Having learnt a few passages of a suitable nature to go to sleep upon, I will do so. . . . Now I hope that I shall; surely the Reaction of Nature against the Magical Will must be wearing down at last! I wake. It takes me a little while to shake off the dominion of sleep, very intense and bitter. Thus John St. John—for it is not convenient further to speak as “I"——-performed 45 Breath-cycles; for 20 minutes he had to struggle against the Root of the Powers of Sleep, and the obstruction of his left nostril. …
…itate in comfort. For he is vowed solemnly “to interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with his soul.” During lunch he will go on correcting his proofs. Lunch over, and the proofs read through. He will make a few decorations further in his Ritual, and perhaps design the Frontispiece and Colophon. He is very weary, and may sleep. He has done the illumination, as far as may be. He will now lie down as Hanged Man, and invoke Adonai. 101
…ine of the Operation. It seems only necessary to cut off definitely dispersive things, aimless chatter and such; for the Operation itself will guide one, leading to disgust for too much food and so on. Ifthere be upon my limbs any chain that requires a definite effort to break it, perhaps sleep is that chain. But we shall see—so/m'lur ambulando. If any asceti- cism be desirable later on, true wariness will soon detect any danger, and devise a means to meet it and overcome it. Have finished bath and massage, during which I continued steadily but qu…
JOHN ST. JOHN VIII. that I will work in truth: IX. that Iwill rely only upon myself: X. that I will interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with my soul. And if I fail herein, may my pyramid be profaned, and the Eye be closed upon me I All this did I swear and seal with a stroke upon the Bell. Then I steadily sat down in my Asana (or sacred Posture), having my left heel beneath my body pressing into the anus, my right sole closely covering the phallus, the right leg vertical; my head, neck, and spine in one straight vertical l…
…ntagram formula with which I am not clearly acquainted. If I knew the Word of the Grade, I could foretell things: but I don’t. I think I will read through the whole Record to date and see 11 I can find an Ariadne-clue. Back, and settled to Ritual—painting. Finished: bar frontispiece and colophon, which I can design and execute to—morrow. Took half an hour off, making a silly sketch of a sunset. Will now read through the Record, and Reflect upon it. “ Before I was blind ; now I see Ι " Yesterday I was right up to the Threshold, right enough; but g…
12.3. 7.40. 9.10. 12.15. JOHN ST. JOHN Anyhow I will now (12.37) go quietly to sleep—as I am always saying, and never do when I say it !—in the hope that daylight may bring counsel. Woke fresh and comfortable. Sleep filled with dreams and broken into short lengths. I ought to observe that this is a very striking result of forging this magic chain; for in my normal life I am one of the soundest sleepers imaginable. Nine solid hours without turning once is my irreducible minimum. Having done an hour’s illumination of the New Ritual, will go and br…