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Page 1 of 51922 · PDF PAGE 79
A Heroin Heroine 65 “ Please let’s forget the past,” smiled Lou, taking my arm. I don’t know why I should have felt embarrassed at explaining that we were married. Feccles rattled off a string of congratulations. “‘ May I introduce Mademoiselle Haidée Lamoureux? ” The girl beside him smiled and bowed. Haidée Lamoureux was a brilliant brunette with a flashing smile and eyes with pupils like pin-points. She was a mass of charming contradictions. The nose and mouth suggested more than a trace of Semitic blood, but the wedge-shaped contour of the f…
1922 · PDF PAGE 74
…to eternity in some indefinable way ; and that infinite silence blossoms inscrutably into embrace. The heroin had begun to take hold. We felt ourselves crowned with colossal calm. We were masters; we had budded from nothingness into existence! And now, existence slowly compelled us to action. There was a necessity in our own natures which demanded expression and after the first intense inter-penetration of our individualities, we had reached the resultant of all the forces that composed us. In one sense, it was that our happiness was so huge th…
1922 · PDF PAGE 87
A Heroin Heroine 73 Lou and I both felt absolutely washed out. She lay upon my breast and held my hand. I felt my strength come back to me when it was called on to support her weakness. And our love grew up anew out of that waste of windy darkness. I felt myself completely purged of all passion ; and in that lustration we were baptised anew and christened with the name of Love. But although nature had done her best to get rid of the excess of the poison we had taken, there remained a residual effect. We had arrived at the hotel very weary, thou…
1922 · PDF PAGE 203
…e’s familiarity with the New Testament makes a quotation somehow significant, however little one may believe in the truth of the book. I felt that his voice was the voice of a prophet. I felt myself already saved. “You take some of this,”’ he went on, bringing a white tablet from a little cedar cabinet, and a big glass of cold water. ‘“‘ Throw your head back, and get it well down, and drink all this right off. Here is another to take home to your husband, and don’t forget the water. It will calm you down; your nerves have all gone west. I’ve go…
1922 · PDF PAGE 212
…lly Coleridge out of her scrape. It was a long way off, and I was horribly tired. I was hungry, but the thought of lunch made me sick. I felt that people were looking at me strangely. Was it the scar by my eye? I bought a thick veil. The girl looked surprised, I thought. I suppose it was rather funny in September, and might attract still more attention; but it gave me.a sense of protection, and it was a very pretty veil —cream lace with embroidered zig-zags. I took a taxi to the doctor’s. Doctor Collins, it was, 61 or 71 Fairelange Street, Lamb…
1922 · PDF PAGE 141
The Gatto Fritte 127 I felt sure that the “ Sir’ would do the trick, and the “'V.C., K.B.E.” could hardly fail to impress. I’m not a bit of a snob; but I really was glad for once to be of some sort of importance. The clerk ran out of the room with the paper. He came back in a moment, beaming all over, and called the attention of the commissary to one of the morning newspapers, running his finger along the lines with suppressed excitement. My spirits rose. Evidently some social paragraph had identified us. The commissary changed his manner at on…
1922 · PDF PAGE 258
244 The Diary of a Drug Fiend know why, but I felt that I needed a treatment. I was trembling all over. It was worse when I went in: for I could see that she was as shocked as McCall. Then I got in front of a glass. Howis it thatin all the times I’ve looked at myself in these months I’ve never seen what they see in a second ? Good God! it’s too awful to talk about. My face is drawn and haggard and pale and wrinkled. I might be sixty. Well, what do I care? I’ve had three beautiful sniffs ! Madame dolled me up as well as she could. Already I look…
1922 · PDF PAGE 46
…e myself. But something else obscurely answered it. “That accounts for what the world has always done —made martyrs of its pioneers.”’ I felt a little ashamed, to tell the truth; but Lamus put me at my ease. He waved his hand towards a huge arm-chair covered with Persian tapestries. He gave me a cigarette and lighted it for me. He poured out a drink of Benedictine into a huge curved glass, and put it on a little table by my side. I disliked his easy hospitality as much as anything else. I had an uncomfortable feeling that I was a puppet in his …
1922 · PDF PAGE 148
…to ask the porter for one’s key. I could not at all understand his look of genuine surprise. That wasn’t simply a question of clothes— I felt it in my bones. And there was the manager, bowing and scraping like a monkey. He seemed to have lost his self-possession. The torrent of his words of welcome ran over a very rough bed. I couldn’t really grasp what he was saying for a moment, but there was no mistaking the import of his final phrase. “I’m so delighted that you've changed your mind, Sir Peter, but I felt sure you could never bear to leave C…
1922 · PDF PAGE 75
…’’ she chirped. ‘“‘It’s all right. You're it, and I’m it, and I’m your little wife.” I could have torn the upholstery out of the taxi. I felt myself a giant. Gargantua was a pigmy. I felt the need of smashing something into matchwood, and I was all messed up about it because it was Lou that I wanted to smash, and at the same time she was the most precious and delicate piece of porcelain that ever came out of the Ming dynasty or whatever the beastly period is. The most fragile, exquisite beauty! To touch her was to profane her. I had a sudden na…
1922 · PDF PAGE 43
Over the Top ! 29 can hardly even say that I felt. I was Feeling itself ! I was all the possibilities of Feeling fulfilled to the uttermost. Yet, coincident with this, my body went on automatically with its own private affairs. She was escaping me. Her face eluded mine. “O Thou storm-drunk breath of the winds, that pant in the bosom of the mountains! I adore Thee, Evoe! I adore Thee, I A O!” Her breast sobbed out its song with weird intensity. I understood in a flash that this was her way of resistance. She was trying to insist to herself that …
1922 · PDF PAGE 306
…nsequences may be really most disastrous.” He broke off short, trembling with fear. He was not playing a part about this. He undoubtedly felt that it might be difficult to explain to an unsympathetic jury how a Trust Fund had lost its way to the extent of wandering into the Trustee’s private account without his suspecting it had behaved in so erratic a manner. “You are a man of the world, Sir Peter,’”’ he declared, almost blubbering, “‘ and I feel sure you understand.” I am not altogether a man of the world, as a matter of fact ; but, whether h…
1922 · PDF PAGE 174
… across the mauvis pas without a moment’s hesitation. They probably thought it was magic or something. No matter what. But at least they felt sure that they could come to no harm by following a man so obviously under the protection of the mountain gods.” Cockie had gone deathly white. He understood with absolute clarity the point of the anecdote. He felt his manhood shamed that he was in the power of this blind black craving. He didn’t really believe that Lamus was telling the truth. He thought the man had risked his life to get those coolies a…
1922 · PDF PAGE 73
Au Pays de Cocaine 59 will go a bit further than that. I don’t believe the greatest artist in the world could invent what we felt, and if he could he couldn’t describe it. I’m trying to describe it myself, and I feel that I’m not making out very well. Come to think of it, the English language has its limitations. When mathemati- cians and men of science want to exchange thoughts, English isn’t much good. They've had to invent new words, new symbols. Look at Einstein’s equations. I knew a man once that knew James Hinton, who invented the fourth …
1922 · PDF PAGE 81
A Heroin Heroine 67 whatever to me. I felt a sudden urgent desire to drink a great deal of water. I-couldn’t trouble to pour myself out a glass. I couldn’t trouble to call the waiter, but I think I must have said the word “ water,”’ for Haidée filled my goblet. A smile wriggled across her face. It was the first sign of life she had given. Even the shaking hands had been in the nature of a mechanical reflex rather than of a voluntary action. There was something sinister and disquieting in her gesture. It was as if she had the after-taste in her …
1922 · PDF PAGE 159
… the good of talking about it! I know I love him, and yet I know I can’t love any one. , I took a whole lot of cocaine. It dulled what I felt. I was able to fancy I loved him. We went to the show. It was awfully stupid. I was thinking all the time how I wanted to love, and how I wanted dope, and how I wanted to stop dope so that. the dope might do me some good. I couldn’t really feel. It was a dull, blind sense of discomfort. I was awfully nervous, too. I felt as if I were somehow caught in a trap; as if I had got into the wrong house by mistak…
1922 · PDF PAGE 24
…rankly frightening as the other realisation, that one is eternally alone, is horrible. I slipped out of time altogether into eternity. I felt myself in the presence of some tremendous influence for good or evil. I felt as though I had been born—I don’t know whether you know what I mean. I can’t help it, but I can’t put it any different. ' It’s like this: nothing had ever happened to me in my life before. You know how it is when you come out of ether or nitrous-oxide at the dentist’s—you come back to somewhere, a familiar somewhere; but the plac…
1922 · PDF PAGE 277
… He will probably not be able to see any one this week.” I sat limply, shaken by the vibrations of the car. I was an empty vessel; but I felt that, as we got out of the twisted network of streets, and the automobile bounded forward, I was escaping from some infernal labyrinth. I found Lou at the new rooms. She was sitting in a big lounge chair holding tight to the arms. Her face told the same tale as my own. We felt that we had come through a great illness by a miracle.. It struck me as dreadfully unfair that instead of being gently nursed back…
1922 · PDF PAGE 192
…t was about five o’clock when I got to Mount Street. If Mabel wasn’t in, I could wait. A strange man answered the door. It annoyed me. I felt frightened. Why had she changed Cartwright ? I felt faint. Had something told me? It embarrassed me to ask ‘‘ Is Mrs. Black at home ? ” The man answered as if he had been asked the time. “ Mrs. Black is dead.”
1922 · PDF PAGE 296
…s eyes to the facts, and I knew Lamus would have had no hesitation in giving us a little snow, feeling the way I was. I don’t know why I felt such a disinclination to go back and ask him. It may have been the instinctive dislike of bothering him; and besides, it was rather humiliating to have to admit. There was also a trace of sturdy British feeling that the thing to do was to stick it out and trust a night’s rest to tone up my nerves. Lamus had advised us to take Turkish baths if we felt unduly depressed. We had found them very useful. We had…