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Page 1 of 61922 · PDF PAGE 254
…I have forgotten about my diary all this time. I have been too busy with Peter. My memory is fright- fully bad. I don’t seem able to fix things at all. Peter got stronger all the time. He is practically quite well now, and took me out and taught me to shoot pheasants this morning. It was terribly exciting. I actually got one, my very first day. I got a man and wife and their daughter to come in and do for us, so we're really very comfortable, in a countrified way. I couldn’t have any one while Peter was raving. The waiter from the inn is a Swis…
1922 · PDF PAGE 20
…as some stupid hitch about getting trustees. I loathe law. It seems to me as if it were merely an elaborate series of obstacles to doing things sensibly. And yet, of course, after all, one must have formalities, just as in flying you have to make arrangements for starting and stopping. But it is a beastly nuisance to have to attend to them. I thought I would stand myself a little dinner. I hadn’t quite enough sense to know that what I really wanted was human companions. There aren’t such things. Every man is eternally alone. But when you get mi…
1922 · PDF PAGE 84
…s celebrated in that line. “The main point, you see,” he recapitulated finally, “is the theory that everything human in us is before all things an obstacle in the way of holiness. That is the secret of the saints, that they renounce everything for one thing which they call the divine purity. It is not simply those things which we ordinarily call sins or vices—those are merely the elementary forms of iniquity—exuberant grossness. The real difficulty hardly begins till things of that sort are dismissed for ever. On the road to saintship, every bo…
1922 · PDF PAGE 299
…t they are in their belief, and in thinking that belief important, they are wrong in forgetting the equal or greater importance of other things. The really important things in the world are the huge silent inexorable things. “What are the wild waves saying ? ’’—that the pull of the tides is gradually slowing down the earth’s rate of rotation. And that was what was wrong with me. I had a tendency to see heroin everywhere.
1922 · PDF PAGE 98
… the collapse in the foreign exchanges, the decrease in the purchasing power of money, and the world’s gold all locked up in Washington, things are pretty awkward. But then, you know, it’s just that sort of situation which provides opportunities to a man with real brains. Victorian prosperity made us all rich without our knowing anything about it or doing anything for it.” “Yes,” I admitted, “ the gilt edges seem to have come off the gingerbread securities.” “Well, look here, Pendragon,” he said, pulling ‘his chair half round so as to face me s…
1922 · PDF PAGE 181
…e... there, I can’t think what I started to say. My mind stops suddenly. It’s like dropping a vanity bag. You stop to pick it up and the things are all over the place and it always seems as if something were missing. One can never remember what it is, but the feeling of annoyance is acute. It’s mixed up with a vague fear. I’ve often forgotten things before—every one does all the time, but it doesn’t bother one. But now, every time that I remember that I’ve forgotten something, I wonder whether it’s H. or C. or mixing the two that is messing up …
1922 · PDF PAGE 187
… I think the landlady—I can never remember the woman’s name, she reminds me of those dreadful days in Naples—told us that she stole some things from a shop and went to jail. It was a great nuisance, because I had to put my clothes on and call on Mabel. Luckily, she was in and had a whole lot of it. We must have been increasing the dose very fast :, but I can’t be sure, because we don’t keep track of it or of the days either. Counting things is so despicable. One feels so degraded. Surely that’s the difference between spirit and matter. It’s bes…
1922 · PDF PAGE 248
…e to take me away to fulfil my destiny. I know now what it was that I thought was a shot, or a door closing. It was really both of these things in a mystical sense ; for I know now who the old man is, and that he is the father of the Messiah. ...
1922 · PDF PAGE 255
…am careful not to contradict him or alarm him about the state of his mind, but it’s very difficult to know what to do. There are so many things I forget myself. “How did we get down here?’ Then again, “Where is Alice ?’’ The name keeps on popping up, and yet I don’t know any one at all intimately or importantly with that name. I had forgotten this diary—I found it by accident and immediately began to read it through to refresh my memory. Most of the handwriting is unreadable. I puzzled and puzzled before I could make out the words. And then whe…
1922 · PDF PAGE 147
… under the protection of two of his men,” he smiled sarcastically, “ for fear you should get into any further trouble. You can have your things back except the guns, which are forbidden.” How little he knew what a surge of joy went through us at that last remark ! “I will send one of my clerks with you to Capri,” he said, “‘ and you will get your passports and money and whatever you need, and come back to me at once and put the position on a more regular footing.” We got our things from the sergeant, and made excuses for a momentary disappearan…
1922 · PDF PAGE 225
… of his victims. ‘‘ All right—you shall get enough magical diary to let you know that I’m out of your clutches— I’ll put down just those things which will tell you how I hate you—how I have outwitted you—and you shall read them when my Dead Soul has got a Dead Body to match it.” September 14 I expected Peter would be in; impatient to know if I'd wangled McCall. Instead, he turned up after twelve, full of champagne and—SNOW! My aunt, what a lucky day! He was boiling with passion, grabbed me like a hawk. “Well, old girl,” he shouted, “what luck w…
1922 · PDF PAGE 151
…, Lady Pendragon,” he said. ‘‘ There _ can be no doubt at all that this man will be caught in a very few hours, and you'll have all your things back.’ a Of course I had sense enough to know that he didn’t believe a word of what he was saying. The proverb, “ Set a thief to catch a thief,” doesn’t apply to Italy. If a thief were worth stealing, that would be another story. , There was no boat back to Naples that night. There was nothing to do but to wait till the morning. The manager was extremely sympathetic. He got us some clothes, if not exact…
1922 · PDF PAGE 100
…“If this got out, every financier in Paris would buy the thing over our heads. I wouldn’t have mentioned it to you at all except for two things. I know you're on the square —that goes without saying; but the real point is this, that I told you I rather believe in the Occult.” “Oh, yes,” cried Lou, “then, of course, you know King Lamus.”’ } Feccles started as if he had received a blow in the face. For a moment he was completely out of counten- ance. It seemed as if he were going to say several things, and decided not to. But his face was black a…
1922 · PDF PAGE 291
…er parts of the world, as you know, and in some of those places there are still taboos about eating and hunting and fishing—all sorts of things which we in England take quite simply, in consequence of which they give no trouble. “ But where a man has to think of a thousand things before he has his dinner: what he eats, and how it was killed, and who cooked it, and so on for ever and ever, he gets no chance to develop his mind in more important ways. Taboo is responsible for the low mental and moral development of the peoples whom it afflicts, m…
1922 · PDF PAGE 44
…d I flying together beyond the bounds of eternity, side by side; her low, persistent throb in perfect second to my great galloping boom. Things of this sort take place outside time and space. It is quite wrong to say that what happened in the taxi ever began or ended. What happened was that our attention was distracted from the eternal truth of this essential marriage of our souls by the chauffeur, who had stopped the taxi and opened the door. “ Here we are, sir,” he said, with a grin. Sir Peter Pendragon and Lou Laleham automatically reappeare…
1922 · PDF PAGE 344
…l too young to have acquired settled phobias. Hermes, at the age of five, was already accustomed to witness surgical operations and such things, to face the dangers of drowning and falling from cliffs, with the result that he had completely lost his fear of such things. These principles were explained to us during the breathing spaces between the sets. Sister Cypris and three or four others came down from the other houses to take part in the game. The intense activity and lightheartedness of every- body amazed us. We were asked to join in the g…
1922 · PDF PAGE 353
…eant of nature. Yet against all such ideas we could not help but hear the insistent voice of Haidee Lamoureux, that the end of all these things is death. She had deliberately renounced existence as futile, and there was no answer to her pleadings. Besides this, my mind had eaten up its pabulum. I had literally nothing to think of except heroin, and I discovered that heroin appealed to me behind all veils, as being an escape from life. A man who has once experienced the drug-life finds it difficult to put up with the inanity of normal existence.…
1922 · PDF PAGE 121
Vedere Napoli e poi—pro patrid—mori 107 most ordinary things about the journey. I didn’t even know in which direction we were travelling, whether the Alps came next, or which tunnel we were taking; whether we passed tarough Florence, or the difference between Geneva and Genoa. Those who are familiar with the route will realise how hopelessly my mind was entangled. I hardly knew morn- ing from evening. I have described things with absolute confidence which could not possibly have taken place. We kept on getting up and looking at the map on the p…
1922 · PDF PAGE 253
…d imperfection; and that the nature of thought of whatever kind, must ultimately be insanity, because it expresses the relations between things, and never the things in themselves. It became evident that the sorrow of the Universe was caused by the desire of manifestation, and that death could not do more than suppress one form of existence in favour of another. Of course, the smpasse is complete. There seems to be no solution of the problem. It is a vicious circle. At the same time, by acquiescence in actuality, the insane insistence on one’s …
1922 · PDF PAGE 371
… of the human instrument which was doing “my” work. Nor had there been any love before, while love meant nothing but the manifold stupid things that people ordinarily mean by it. Love, as I meant it now, was an affirmation of the inevitable unity between the two impersonal halves of the work. It was the physical embodiment of our spiritual truth. My wife didnot answer. There was no need. Her understanding was perfect. We united with the un- conscious ecstasy of nature. Articulate human language was an offence to our spiritual rapture. Our union…