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21 matching pages
Page 1 of 21904 · PDF PAGE 79
…about that unfortunate little contretemps of the Countess : and I hope to see you again some time, and I will go on with the story of my life. Au revoir, then, and farewell ! The Lord bless you, and keep you : the Lord lift up the light of his counte- nance upon you and give you peace : both now and for evermore, Amen ! He made the sign of the Cross, spat in my left eye, and spunked in my right ; then ushered me to the door with courtly politeness. At the gate he impressed a loving kiss upon my arsehole, and gave a final but business-like frig …
1904 · PDF PAGE 28
I found myself swimming for dear life. This is what comes, I thought, witty even in my boyhood, of the Volunteer Movement ! Why, Galahad, said my mother, how beautifully your linen is starched this week. . . . . [26]
1904 · PDF PAGE 23
[21] CAPITULUM PRIMUM I came from a Bottomless Pit, began the Archbishop, and I have spent my life trying to get back. No sooner had I left my mothers breast than she put me on to her clitoris, and I was hardly laid in my fathers arms before his doodle was between my baby legs and jerking its creamy essence into the sunny air of Rome, where, as you may be aware, I first drew breath. I was a healthy and well-formed child ; my bauble nothing remarkable, but my bollocks peculiar for their enormous size and as it subsequently proved the amoun…
1904 · PDF PAGE 44
…our, and sev- enty-two in the second, when she had got into her stride, as it were. Alas ! All Europe knows the treachery which cost her life. In the third hour the infamous Selim bin Haroun presented himself dis- guised to her hasty lips. As you know, this chief- tain, desirous of checking his fertility without in- terfering with his pleasures, had bored a hole at the root of his life-preserver permitting the vital fuck-spunk to dribble away. Of course, when the unhappy Zuleika pulled at his vibrating tuning- fork and found that no juice follo…
1904 · PDF PAGE 7
…parents were of that lesser class of county magnate which does not care to make any great show. They had enough self-respect to live the life of their choice. The boy, delicate in his youth, was not able to bear the roughness of public school for long, but he passed with honours through Oxford, respected for his piety and learn- ing by his professors and (I am ashamed to say) adored by a certain unsavoury coterie for the baby- ish beauty of his face, with its unfathomable eyes, its small and scarlet mouth, and the impudent cynicism of his bot…
1904 · PDF PAGE 2
… Futile Fuck-stick ; or, The Distillers Dilemma ................ 31 CAPIT 4. The Queens Quandary ; or, Leaves from the Journal of My Life in the Highlands........ 35 CAPIT 5. The Kings Appendix................... 42 CAPIT 6. My Aunts Amusement ; or, Aching for Arse-plugs ............ 49 CAPIT 7. The Frigging Photographers ; or, The Secrets of a Sommier ...... 53 CAPIT 8. Tupping a Tombstone ; or, The Corpse and the Cleric...... 56 CAPIT 9. The Birch and the Bottom ; or, A Milliners Manners.............. 62
1904 · PDF PAGE 110
…-day I fart for all I know. She will not hear my music. So ? It is split ? Devil a bit ! Suppose Pauline had bade me shit ! III My whole life long I learned to frig. This hour I play the supreme pig And suck her pussy. Pox or clap ? She will riot give me syph ? Mayhap ! Pox who may I still can say Those who get chancre, lucky they ! [112]
1904 · PDF PAGE 139
… butterflies can grow from grubs, My darling ! Aye ! Tis a keen remorseful knife To think of you, my fucksome wife, In this my solitary life. My darling !
1904 · PDF PAGE 54
…long, but I trust not without edification ; and in our next chapter you may rely on our returning to the story of the Archbishops early life, and his ro- mantic career in the Latin Quarter with S...y B.....s and the Frigging Photographers. [52]
1904 · PDF PAGE 37
…the events which I so lusciously described in the last chapter, con- tinued the Archbishop, I was the means, under heaven, of saving the life of a valued member of society. The whisky-distiller had many connec- tions in the Highlands of Scotland, and no doubt the story of my exploit enlivened many a dull wet night in that dreariest of countries. Anyhow, one day my father came down from his office in a state of appalling excitement, waving a telegram. He masturbated four times in his anxiety to control his feelings, and let us have the news, whi…
1904 · PDF PAGE 21
…ill make it worth your while, added the wily ecclesiastic. You shall take down in that clever shorthand of yours the true story of my life. Mr N.ch.ls will buy the book and cheat you out of the money ; so theres fame and fortune at a stroke. Put away John Thomas now ; permit me, pray ! Yes, a fine long battering-piece, with a nice hard [19]
1904 · PDF PAGE 10
…ous question, and his revolution- ary masterpiece upon the relation between Com- parative Anatomy and Political Science. In his personal life he had similar breadth of experience. He was beloved of the thieves and prostitutes in an obscure drinking-cellar in Belleville, the most dangerous quarter of Paris, not as a comrade, but as a missionary. He was at home in the most ex- alted social circles, and it is a well-known fact that many persons of importance relied on his subtle intuition and keen vision to resolve political diffi- culties which b…
1904 · PDF PAGE 73
…fe I imprisoned, to be fed upon their own children, and after upon each other, mutilating them as far as possible without de- stroying life. For my satisfaction, for the giving of these las- civious orders had all but turned my brain, I be- headed others, and plugged their windpipes with my rutilant ramrod, while the rest buggered me in turn. Not until night fell did I desist from the de- lightful sport, when my father exclaimed with a huge guffaw : By Gods bollocks, Galahad, but there is nobody to cook the dinner ! But my sister was as clev…
1904 · PDF PAGE 53
British tars when the lifeboat overturned, and the Rocket apparatus jammed ; for I flung it aboard the distressed ship in the teeth of a fearful gale, and held it there for hours while the grateful sea- men swung to land in buckets. I have also, she continued more shyly, derived some gratification of a sensual nature from its employment. But noth- ing to the P......e League ! They got there, and they stayed there : they stayed there till the poor old emotion-knob was nearly torn to shreds. The Con- servative Female is a pretty randy proposition…
1904 · PDF PAGE 34
…d no such disabilities. Advancing, I showed its quiet dignity to the first lady. This woman, who had so great an influence upon my after life, merits a few words of description. By race a full-blooded Ne- gress, by profession a threepenny-uprighter, by education a woman of singular charm and spiritu- ality, by inclination a sapphist and cocksucker, by disease a barrel, she was as delicious a rabbit-pie as I ever laid this knife to. Over six feet in height, she measured even more around her waist, owing to a dropsy on the one hand, and on the ot…
1904 · PDF PAGE 6
…haracter. Such an expression of violences is found in the author of the following works. It is the custom to study, even if briefly, the life of a great writer from the biographical stand- point. In this case it is impossible to follow the usual course, for I have no wish to blast the useful public career of the most talented artist of our day, and there can be no doubt that precision of allu- sion would cause his innumerable friends to rec- [2]
1904 · PDF PAGE 25
… lewd importunities. Malheur ! in her later days she caught the King of E . . . . . ds impo- tence, and was compelled to the end of her life for the disease proved intractable to solace her- self as best she could with the cold comfort of a common clicket. Take out that bald-headed hermit ! (He inter- rupted himself) Whack it up ! Wallop it in ! Whats the nanny-goat for, you pimp, if you cant go tail- twitching her hairy old tuzzy-muzzy ? You shall suck the oysters out of the kidney pudding if youre good. Now my boy ! I complied with …
1904 · PDF PAGE 41
…on warned me that the sugges- tion would be taken in ill part. Her Majesty, he explained, is before all things respectable : not to save life, no ! Not to ensure the greatness of her empire or the happiness of her people, would she for a moment condescend to any unnatural prac- tice such as you suggest. I am aware that a num- ber of horses have perished in the service ; but I can certify that our distinguished patient was not at the time in a condition to differentiate between the steed and its rider. What she wanted was live sausage for supper…
1904 · PDF PAGE 62
…an ever came out of it. Such was my fond farewell to Stephen Jimson. But Leila, who ran to embrace me, was for the first time in all her life defeated. For seven days she buffeted my beard-splitter like Palinurus and the waves ; but she too failed. I had broken every record in the long-distance competition : and I needed rest. Even the pelvis of my boy love failed to rouse me : once the reaction had set in, nothing could stop it. On the eighth day Leila fell back with a weary and long-drawn howl : on the twenty- sixth she recovered sufficiently…
1904 · PDF PAGE 52
….) which, as you will observe, is ninety-seven yards, two feet, and four and three quarter inches in length it is the sor- row of my life that I have never touched the 100 yard mark ! And standing in a long row, began to frig and suck it madly. As you can see, I can coil and uncoil it at pleasure : I can wind myself up in it : I could hang myself in it if the whim took me. I have dipped it in treacle, and given a Sunday- School treat which the children will remember for years they all got the clap ! I have smeared it in birdlime, and …