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Page 1 of 21904 · PDF PAGE 116
…ng lady named Rose Who filled not one po, but twelve poes With piss, sweat, and come, Thick slime from her bum, And snot from her bloody old nose. VI There was an American whore Whose cunt was a festering sore. She caulked it with pitch Till the bloody old bitch Was A1 at Lloyds evermore. But with earthly success not content, She grew pious to Heaven she went. Son, Father, and Ghost And the heavenly host Have all got the double event. [118]
1904 · PDF PAGE 129
…When Celia rots, each poxy hole Will serve : she hath an hundred twats. Come finger, tongue, and fucking pole When Celia rots. Here, the old ulcers ! Happy spots ! Hail, pustules ! Hail, oh central goal Wherein some sucking devil squats Now surely as ever ! Broke the bowl. Loosed the old cord yet hope unblots The record. God may fuck her soul When Celia rots. [131]
1904 · PDF PAGE 57
a Teacup, my blessed little bag-of-tricks, was ever on the qui vive for a punks cuntlet, and a good old go at Cully-shangy. But now He broke off and shed a silent tear. Reaching for a honey-pot, by which I here mean an actual jar of real china con- taining the saccharine produce of the really truly bee, he dipped his nervous nilnisitando into the glucose mass, and withdrawing, leant back and wearily chewed ginseng, while he cooled his throat with a strong infusion of Cantharides in old brandy. I am not what I was, he grumbled. These tales of…
1904 · PDF PAGE 86
… sick and collapsed, and took ten minutes to get well again. Why, I could have gone on all night without those silly intervals ! And the old fool says it tires him and he cant dig today because his back aches, so hes gone fishing. Fishing ! Ill fish him when he comes home. I believe hes gone to see that lioness he was so fond of in the old days. She was rude enough to both of us yesterday though-so are all the beasts since we ate that apple Lord God made all the fuss about. The serpents as much a gentleman as ever, of course. He was at the…
1904 · PDF PAGE 53
…ture from its employment. But noth- ing to the P......e League ! They got there, and they stayed there : they stayed there till the poor old emotion-knob was nearly torn to shreds. The Con- servative Female is a pretty randy proposition, you bet your life ! But enough of my election ! (She broke off as suddenly as she had begun, for she was of a low type of intelligence, and constant tippling had un- dermined her rudimentary brain), let us fuck a bit ! Let us spunk ! Let us come ! Why dont you lick me, Bertie ? Stuff some more rags up, Harry !…
1904 · PDF PAGE 137
…cturating Mary The well-bred wife of a high-church parson Had a daughter fair and merry Who kept twelve hours a day her arse on The fine old family jerry. She poured such a stream of waters vital From a cunt so slimy and hairy That the Bishop of London gave her the title Of Micturating Mary. One day they were praying in church for rain When the heavens above with a roar rent : Came sizzle and splash on the window pane, And the road swirled down with the torrent. Cried the vicar : How quickly its come to pass ! Lets thank the Lord for his bl…
1904 · PDF PAGE 51
…ight without ever giving it a chance to run over. Not he ! She sneered. He is now with his Venerable Aunt, as he calls her, a lascivious old woman if ever there was one ! A very gobble- prick ! A brimstone bunter ! But come ! You shall see them. We strolled into the next room, where the grey- haired old foreskin-hunter was in the very act of swallowing the large and luscious semolina pud- ding that trickled from the recently frigged whore- pipe of her nephew. Two active boys were engaged in stuffing her lucky-bag with current numbers of the Dai…
1904 · PDF PAGE 74
…they laid themselves out to give me a real good birthday, especially when my father, honest man ! Came to the rescue in his bluff hearty old English fash- ion. Ah ! [72]
1904 · PDF PAGE 33
[31] CAPITULUM III I was some seven years old, resumed the Archbishop, at the close of the exciting interlude described in the last chapter, when I first obtained any real satisfaction from the passion of love, which has since done so much to regulate and in- spire my career. The incident occurred on this wise. For some days my ponderous and unwieldy bollocks had become turgid and swollen with the fluid we know, my boy, you dog ! As spunk. Eighty-three pounds and four ounces they weighed on the penny-in-the-slot machine at our village station, …
1904 · PDF PAGE 36
…elied to gain my point. But not for nothing had I been trained in the School of Mines ! (I thought you were at this time but seven years old, I ven- tured. He seemed not to hear.) By pulling at her bubbies by their nipples, which were an excellent grip, I was able to start a swinging movement, whose aim the charming but unscientific girl did not suspect. In a few moments my ponderous balls were again thundering on her already weak- ened isthmus, and at the same time I was gather- ing myself, excited by the voluptuous nature of the struggle, for…
1904 · PDF PAGE 115
LIMERICKS I There was an old man of Manchuria, Who suffered from painful dysuria, It was not (yes, you thought it) From a girl that he caught it, But from trying to read Brownings Luria. II There was a young scholar of Spy Hill Who retired after lunch to a high hill. Said his friends Well, how was it ? A healthy deposit ? He sighed Vox, et praeterea nihil. III There was a young man of Cape Town, Who acquired European renown By sucking his come From his bugger-boys bum, Swallowing it, and keeping it down. IV There once was a Kensingt…
1904 · PDF PAGE 92
…nced to listen While these remarks were being made. His mischief-loving eyeballs glisten. He touched the man, and said : Priapus is an old curmudgeon ! Go not in dudgeon !
1904 · PDF PAGE 90
… her, Im sure. I must try and raise her to my level rather than Damn that potato patch ! It must be dug over to- morrow, and only the old flint spade still. A man in Lord Gods position House of Lords, stake in the country, and all that ought to provide iron spades this is the only country planet for bil- lions of miles where science hasnt penetrated, so that young prince says dont believe hes a real prince, though took all that cursing from a sim- ple Lord like a lamb says its beneath his dignity to swear back. Id have had th…
1904 · PDF PAGE 94
Relieved him with such sudden glee As to upset his cup of tea. Also he found inconvenient When urchins shouted Good old stand ! When at a dance, the matrons lenient Would cough and smile behind a hand. And maidens with gazelle-like eyes Observe with wondering surprise. Besides, an everlasting aching Kept him for ever on the shove. At lunch or tea, asleep or waking, He felt the gentle hints of love. A parson too (O who could doubt it ?) Is best without it. When he began to read the text Preparatory to his sermon Twould rise, and he, beginni…
1904 · PDF PAGE 134
…s fare you get youll not regret, she will not make you curl ! So put your pennies in the slot of the Automatic- Girl. VII The young and old, the rich and poor, with us are well content. [We take the stuff when theres enough and traffic- in cement.] The son of dook, the son of cook, the son of belted earl All put their pennies in the slot of the Automatic Girl. [136]
1904 · PDF PAGE 63
…y how different from the Monthly Drink, which I will also touch upon ! I will tell you when I have relieved my necessities I am an old man of eighty now, and you must humour me with the row of warm foetuses and pox-holes which my chaplain has just brought for my midmorning per- formance. [61]
1904 · PDF PAGE 91
… up alarmed to find Satan quietly emerging from his citadel. Adam jumped for a club. But by the time he arrived a change had arisen. The old snake-skin dropped and Satan stood in his own shape, a radiant spirit. You bit me, said Adam, embarrassed. For your own good ! God doomed you to death. My bite has filled your blood with a poison that will take away Deaths terrors, that will make him welcome even ! What is this poison called ? said Eve. And Satan replied Syphilis ! As he went away he laughed. God did not like to hear him. […
1904 · PDF PAGE 121
…wallowed a foetus Stewed whole with spew, monthlies, and snot. The sauce was sublime ; it was based on the slime Of a fishwomans rotten old twat. He proceeded to suck the shit that had stuck To the hairs on a bugger-boys bottom. Gulped down a placenta : drank piss and Apenta, And said Now I think chat has got em ! He reserved every shot till the dinner was hot And the people of Sept were content.
1904 · PDF PAGE 60
I rubbed her greasy gammon ; Her grotto I did futter. I smoked her old red herring ; I hogged her periwinkle ; I fulked her maiden erring : I watched her lower twinkle. I went in to her tunnel ; Put on Hans Carvels ring ; Was filtered in her funnel, And goose-and-ducked her thing. I split her rump, and vaulted The star above her garter ; Her strong-room I assaulted, And occupied her farter. From which you all may gather That it will not be long Before I am a father . . . And that is all my song. There ! Let me alone now, and I will continue th…
1904 · PDF PAGE 58
…te this book, the decent sayings of a godly light of the Church. So let us gloss over the temporary lapse from politeness of the saintly old man let us excuse one whose only fault was that he was born at a date when folk were less fastidious ! and let him return to the quiet and uneventful autobiography with which he has so far pleasantly and inoffensively regaled us. Ah ! You would, would you, you penny-a-peep flapper ? Well, little girls will be little girls. Adam fell for less than this Oh ! If you suck so I shall go mad Stop, for Go…