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Page 1 of 31904 · PDF PAGE 110
ONE WAY OF LOVE I All June I rubbed my prick with grease. Now, hair by hair, I comb its fleece, And shew it where Pauline may pass. She will not suck me off. Alas ! What, no luck ? Lord love a duck ! The chance was she might need a fuck ! II How many months I strove to wipe My brown and corrugated pipe ! To-day I fart for all I know. She will not hear my music. So ? It is split ? Devil a bit ! Suppose Pauline had bade me shit ! III My whole life long I learned to frig. This hour I play the supreme pig And suck her pussy. Pox or clap ? She will …
1904 · PDF PAGE 22
…ncre on the gland, I see Oh, yes ! From a water closet, certainly look at this ulcer on my leg, I got it from a cathedral ! and we will break- fast with my boys, the goat, and the learned pig ; after that we will go and see the camel fed over a cigar, after which I will run through my days business you shall have a couple of whores to amuse you while you wait or you can watch my butler putting cream in the tea his only amusement, poor fellow, I sucked him dry years ago ! and then we will sit down to a real morn- ings work over m…
1904 · PDF PAGE 58
…randiest positions you know ; you may cuddle my crimson chitterling till it chirps, soars and spurts into the blue Heaven of God : but I will N O T corrupt your morals with those degrading and sin- ful songs. I will never transcribe a word or a sylla- ble that the most modest woman need blush to hear : I will never be a party to the ruin of one in- nocent child-soul. Cunts ! I protect you ! Nugs ! avaunt ! Come not near the pure girls and women for whom I write this book, the decent sayings of a godly light of the Church. So let us gloss over t…
1904 · PDF PAGE 7
…t scholar and courtesan of his year. It would be admittedly ridiculous to claim the latter note of his life as hypocritical ; only prigs will so stigmatize the former. A boy of 20 does not render Thomas à Kempis into Greek Anapaests without genuine scholarship and equally sincere piety. Yet he is the author of the nauseous hex- ameters beginning : Hail to the f . . ting lips of an open Athenian a . . . He it was who capped the hexameter in St. James : Husbands ! Love your wives and be not bitter against them ! with Husbands ! F . . . t…
1904 · PDF PAGE 122
…Fat Bill ! Such a nosegay may kill ! Those words were the last that he uttered ; While Bowles gave a laugh like a cunt-stricken calf : Will you have them with Bovril, or buttered ? Alas ! The lucks ill ! The house smashed like Fat Bill, And went arse over tip like a lamp ; While the rest of us asked : Are our brains over-tasked ? Theres an odour here ! Can it be damp ? Our souls went with Bowles to the heavenly goals But we asked at the end of the tunnel : Is this No. Seven ? Or can it be heaven ? He said : I am God and no…
1904 · PDF PAGE 67
… wielded the dread instrument of torture. Oh ! What a bum ! She exclaimed : what a pleasure to beat it ! What a dear bottom ! I must I will can I shall I may, might, could, would, should, whip it. She had exhausted her auxiliary verbs and the auxiliary dildo (bought at the Auxiliary Stores) at the same moment, and the discarded godemiche dropped idle to the floor. Allow me, madam ! Said I, step- ping forward for the first time. Thank you, father ! She answered, and I insinuated my poperine pear into her fruit-basket. She then got down …
1904 · PDF PAGE 63
…la herself, and the larks we had during her pregnancy, and the fun I had at her delivery how different from the Monthly Drink, which I will also touch upon ! I will tell you when I have relieved my necessities I am an old man of eighty now, and you must humour me with the row of warm foetuses and pox-holes which my chaplain has just brought for my midmorning per- formance. [61]
1904 · PDF PAGE 91
…. You bit me, said Adam, embarrassed. For your own good ! God doomed you to death. My bite has filled your blood with a poison that will take away Deaths terrors, that will make him welcome even ! What is this poison called ? said Eve. And Satan replied Syphilis ! As he went away he laughed. God did not like to hear him. [91]
1904 · PDF PAGE 43
…esiastics beautiful goat, whose congenial jelly-bag completed my practical sympathy with the story. Come ! Continued the Archbishop, we will stroll across to the camel. My arse is thirsty for a drain of fuck as ever your Fleet-Street throats are for a two of Scotch. I will only remark, to round off your chapter, that Her Majesty has ever been sensible of my ef- forts to please, and that it is due to her that I owe my introduction to a clerical career, and the proud station in the realm which I, although by birth a foreigner, have the honour to…
1904 · PDF PAGE 60
…ump, and vaulted The star above her garter ; Her strong-room I assaulted, And occupied her farter. From which you all may gather That it will not be long Before I am a father . . . And that is all my song. There ! Let me alone now, and I will continue the Archbishops recital. How was it that days so sweet must pass ? Oh Jimson ! Oh divine maestro and thy Opera Or- ange Pekoe ! To this hour the lust of thy dear shit-sewer sends the creamy essence of immortal- ity all over my drawers. But it ended, and bit- terly. The careless youth got too …
1904 · PDF PAGE 57
…in derision : then has Beelzebub come to the rescue, and Father Abraham has believed the yarn about Isaac. Now, while I feel restored, I will ask you to accommodate me in your turd-trap, and I will sing you beautiful songs about the time when I was young. He was on my back before I could reply, and the fetid fuck-fritters of the foul- flip-flapped Father frizzled in my reeking-rectum. [55]
1904 · PDF PAGE 88
…de, Duchess. ? Because you have only half the secret. And the other half is ? Naughty. You darling, tell me at once. Will you kiss me ? Kiss you come here Satan ! Eve ! And his lithe coils rolled over her naked body, his forked tongue slipped beneath the white teeth and its delicate foam maddened her tongue. It touched her tender palate, and withdrew to pene- trate her dainty nostrils. All round her he wrapped his soft green folds and their gentle pressure warmed her blood that shuddered with love to feel him, …
1904 · PDF PAGE 26
… leaving me to withdraw a weary and sodden stern- post from the accommodating gentlemans love- passage of the affectionate goat (whom I will wager my readers have forgotten, for I very nearly did). The archbishop cleared his throat and began thus. The first real scene of passion that I ever saw was in this fashion. I had been left alone in the house one day ; and, weary of confinement, I determined to stroll into the street. Not far had I gone before my attention was attracted by a small galvanized iron mission room. To my surprise, the door…
1904 · PDF PAGE 21
…n meum anum immite ! laughed the Archbishop, and the pressman, like Messrs. Pond and Morrell in Gilberts ballad, was con- vinced. I will make it worth your while, added the wily ecclesiastic. You shall take down in that clever shorthand of yours the true story of my life. Mr N.ch.ls will buy the book and cheat you out of the money ; so theres fame and fortune at a stroke. Put away John Thomas now ; permit me, pray ! Yes, a fine long battering-piece, with a nice hard [19]
1904 · PDF PAGE 48
…I am so tired of dictating this rotten book, so anxious to devote myself as closely to this sweet beast as he is devoted to me, that you will get but a perfunctory one. It had all the qualities of the pseudopodia of the Amoeba. Get out your Marshall and Hurst, and read up Amoeba, and you will know as much as I do. Little by little he advanced this engine into the palpitating cavity of the bona roba both by front and rear. Her uterus soon filled up, but for one and a half hours the giant tentacle of the wily Kluckchoo pressed up her hairy arseho…
1904 · PDF PAGE 77
Abandoned in disgust. You will wonder however how it was that Leilas monthlies did not last out the 1000, by the figures only 14 hrs, 57 min. The answer was that she was peculiarly constructed in this way. Her so-called monthlies occurred every four days, and lasted but twelve hours, never more. I was consequently biffed off every time about 925 or so. The wisdom of this provision of Nature was soon evident. The desirability of breeding another Leila had lent wings (to use a metaphor) to the reproductive mechanism of the lousy-notched barr…
1904 · PDF PAGE 47
…rom his laurels at the Empire, the Hu- man Corkscrew had been commanded to appear before the K..g. If he can do that with his body, what will he not be able to do with his prick ? Thought the witty little woman, the worthy pupil of Immanuel Kant. She fitted act to deduction, and an hour after the performance the trouble-giblets of Kluckchoo was worming about in the universally admired cunnikin of the fashionable nestlecock. His complaisance was however not without rea- son. Tell your old fumble monger, said he when her delirium was appeased, th…
1904 · PDF PAGE 79
nothing about that unfortunate little contretemps of the Countess : and I hope to see you again some time, and I will go on with the story of my life. Au revoir, then, and farewell ! The Lord bless you, and keep you : the Lord lift up the light of his counte- nance upon you and give you peace : both now and for evermore, Amen ! He made the sign of the Cross, spat in my left eye, and spunked in my right ; then ushered me to the door with courtly politeness. At the gate he impressed a loving kiss upon my arsehole, and gave a final but business-li…
1904 · PDF PAGE 68
…shment an ex- ample to the whole island and at the same time to celebrate my majority in a manner befitting the auspicious occasion. You will probably think it worth while to devote a whole chapter to this, and another to the preg- nancy of Leila. I will therefore break off and put in [66]
1904 · PDF PAGE 78
…of children 36 days later. In vain I stood by her bed- side, fucked them to death as they emerged, and threw them aside. I was beaten. I will not dwell upon this painful subject : suffice it to say that no less than 175 (all girls, with an admixture of mon- key and slug from maternal impressions infidelities I had long suspected without being able to prove) were actually born and our reputations would have been ruined but for the cunning and resource which has ever brought me through the most difficult and adverse circumstances. I bribed th…