Diary of a Drug Fiend

258 The Diary of a Drug Fiend “Tt leads you by the nose, and prevents your doing your will. I remember once when I was making experiments with it myself, how I would go out with the intention of keeping away from the stuff all day, and how, without my knowing it, I took advantage of ali sorts of little incidents that cropped up to get back to the studio some hours before I had intended. I found myself out at once, of course, having learnt some of the tricks of the mind. And I sat and watched myself finding excuses for starting in. One gets into an absolutely morbid state, in which everything that happens has some bearing on the question, ‘Shall I or shall I not take it?’; and one gets so pleased with oneself for saying ‘no’ so often that one is tempted to reward oneself by saying ‘yes’ just once. I can promise you a very interesting time watching your minds and spotting all the little dodges. The great thing I want you to remember is that you have to learn to take pleasure in what.is really the most pleasurable thing. in the world—introspection. You have got to find amusement in observing the details of the dis- comfort of being without the drug. And I don’t want you to overdo it, either. When the discomfort becomes so acute that you can’t enjoy it properly, then is the time to take a small dose and notice the effects. I hope, by the way, you’ve been a good little girl and kept that magical diary.” Lou was astonishingly pleased to be able to say “‘ Some of it’s done very fully,’”’ she said, “ but you know there were days and weeks when I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move. Life was a perpetual struggle to get back to——” she hesitated for a word, and then ended with a pained little laugh, “ oh, to anywhere.” King Lamus nodded gravely. We had finished our coffee. “Now,” said he, “ to business,’ to the door. I stayed behind for a moment to pay the bill. There , and led the way